long time no blog

two days after xmas, time for an update.


finals were over for me last week on Tuesday- well Tuesday was juries. I have no idea what the judges thought because my teacher kept those sheets for some reason. I wish he had let us take them because I hate suspense. I guess it doesn't really matter anyway because I got an A in vocal lessons. as a matter of fact, I got on A in the rest of my 7 my classes. woot for the first semester of college. I hope that I will be ok next semester because I decided with my advisor that I will be taking on 3 more classes for a grand total of 11- 18 credits only, though. oh well, I have to take them sometime and it may as well be now because there's a lot of catch up work for me to do since I decided to double major in Vocal Performance and Music Education. What a full schedule I will have, as opposed to this semester when I had all this free time to get bored in.


so, for xmas I got lots of what I wanted: opera CD's. woot!
I got new driving gloves- hurrah for ones that actually fit my hands. and they're really really warm too.
I got me a dressy black shirt- unfortunately, it looked better on in the store, now it looks kinda baggy, even when I tuck it in... I'm sad.
I got a really good movie- Must Love Dogs


and some stuff I didn't ask for that will definitely be useful: an anti-stress neck pillow.
I got a really pretty fuzzy jacket- but it's white so I'm scared to wear it and ruin it, but I will wear it because otherwise there's no point in having it at all. It's a little tight on my arms, but once I tone them down, it won't be as bad.
I got a fuzzy white purse that kinda goes with the pretty fuzzy jacket by accident (from two different people that is)
I got some chocolate- Ferrero rocher, mmmmmm! I'm not supposed to have it on this whole diet thing, but one won't kill me, neither will the 3 that I got as long as I don't eat them consecutively.
I got a really perty pearl necklace and earring set
I got a book on how to make your singing voice stronger


oh yeah, and update on that diet thing: I've lost almost 20 lbs since the beginning of the semester (around when I started the diet)- so that's 30 since July! Now that the two-day straight-eating-frenzy that is Christmas is over, I have to go back to eating like that again because I'm sure that it has done me some damage that I don't want to look at on the scale. I'm not really worried though.


update on my depression? I don't see any traces of it now that I have been home for about a week and a half now. All I feel is the stress of not being able to stop thinking about next semester. And a bit of stress from my current situation of having a few different dating interests- all of them having some kind of reason why they won't happen: either its indefinitely on hold as far as the decision-making is concerned, unsure of how interested the other person is in me, or unsure of how interested I am in the other person. That middle one seems the most promising except that this person told me earlier this semester that he wasn't interested anymore, but I have my doubts about the validity of that (either that's me being really stupid, or I am actually being perceptive this time).

Update

It's been a while since my last post and thus I figured that I should probably do some type of update or something like that. Currently I am worry about my finals and juries. Mostly because I have no idea when either of them will be... but that will be found out in due time i suppose. other tahn that i have nothing to really worry about unless i start pondering the future in which case i usually start freaking out and shit like that. It's not fun, i'll tell you.


so about Thanksgiving break. it was most yummy and quite devious as far as my diet is concerned- btw, I have been on Jenny Craig for about 3 weeks now. It has been hard to get back into the correct eating habits (meaning not adding stuff to the food I eat like extra desserts). it's been working for me - I've lost 9lbs... even 1/2 of a lb from thansgiving break.


I had a revelation about all this depression stuff- it's not because i miss all my friends either. I saw them and hung out with them and such (C even stayed over a night) but still I had a breakdown on Saturday night. C tried to help me out and I think she did a wonderful job actually. She made me realize what is wrong is that I am beginning to burn out. She hleped me to decide that I will not be taking 11 classes next semester and that i should just realize that i am not going to graduate in 4 years no matter what i do unless i really kill myself and that is not worth it. If i just take a few less classes per semester, my grade will be better and I will fel better too, so whateverwith the whole when i gradutate thing. btw, I am now double majoring in vocal performance and music education. that is why i wont get out in 4 years.


Update on expos that i hate so much-I am finally getting an A in expos... I hope that this last paper that ive had to write will also deserves an A. then all i have to worry about is passing the final (which shouldn't be too hard becasue its pass/fail based on the cohesiveness of it and stuff like that).

so it's true

as much as I'd like to deny that i'm just like all those people I knew in HS who were in therapy and angsty-like with the lack of real problems and all that stuff that I didn't want to deal with, I cant. I dont have real problems either, but I'm missing something in my head that makes ppl able to deal with living. Every time I am in school I feel messed up like there's something missing here- I mean this is what I've wanted all my life- what the hell is wrong with me? Here's something I found myself making up and singing to myself in the shower and it gave me a little insight:


"All I want is to feel a little more
like I've something worth living for
but it's not fair for me to say my life's incomplete
when I've got everything
everything I could want,
I could need
I'm even following my dream
and it'd be a lie to say
I can fix myself
cause it's been too many years
that I've felt this way
I'm tired of hiding my tears.
it's time to put my mask on the shelf
and let someone else in"


and it's all true... I have everything I could want and need and all that jazz, but I am feeling so damn incomplete emotionally.

I've got me some Goals

So, now that I think I have myself under control, I can actually start to think about important stuff that i've been neglecting; aka my school work. well, not that i've actually not been doing it, but I haven't been doing it like i care about it. So now it's time to start caring again. there's no use in my being here if i'm only going to be mediocre. I'm not going to complain about having to do my work anymore because I am the one who wanted to come to college- nobody's forcing me to be here. plus, ya can't go through life resisting every step of the way- you'll never get anywhere. My own resistance to everything so far has only been an impediment, thus I must get on with it and forget that I hate writing essays and such. I only need pretend that I like it and it will become that much better.


so about my actual living, there's more than just my silly emotions... I do actually do stuff. Like yesterday, I went to the rec center with brittanie and we went swimming. I haven't been swimming in months. god, it was definitely much needed. I'm thinking that this summer I will take some classes and become a lifeguard- brittanie gave me the idea. but i have to be able to swim 500 meters so that is my goal for the semester. I gotta learn the strokes better too, but brittanie was on the swim team in high school so she can prolly teach me.

I've decided that I am going to get back into shape this year. I remember 4 years ago- freshman year of HS- well, maybe I wasn't exactly healthy, but I was fit and strong. Between the end of August and the end of November that year I improved from running the 3.1 mile in 33 minutes to running it in 24:50. Well, it'll take me longer this time because I have a lot of extra baggage to work with compared to 4 years ago, but i am going to be able to do it. I swear it. But this time I am going to be healthy about it... no more anorexia for me. I don't like being light-headed and headache-riddled all the time like I was then. I am going to do it right this time. I don't really care about how much I weigh, as long as I don't ever weigh as much as I did over this summer again. i've lost 15 lbs since July and I plan on keeping it that way, but I don't need to be 110 lbs like I was freshman year of HS, all I want is to be able to do what I did then. Unfortunately, It's starting to get pretty cold for running outside and I really hate treadmills, but that might be that I have to use. i need some gym clothes is all. When i go home this weekend, i'll find some. Anyway, I have to get some work done for expos, so I'm out.

roller coaster

damn my emotions are like a roller coaster. here i am again, feeling just like i did this time last week, well not as bad, but now i think its time that i actually do call that councelor because this will obviously happen again so i called, but there was a busy signal. after long hours spent thinking about the brain and the mind and their control over each other (my essay for expos is based on that idea), i dont care how it works, but i just want it to work, becasue i feel like my brain is not able to regulate my emotions like its supposed to. all i wanna do is wake up in the morning feeling better about my life than i did the night before because every night when i go to bed i feel like crying for no reason. there must be a reason of some sort even if it is a chemical imbalance. i want control over my feelings instead of my feelings having control over me. I feel like shit and so i dont want to do anything at all: i dont want to wake up in the morning because sleep is safer, i dont want to leave my room even though that is torturous masichism, i dont want to eat and i have no motivation to do anything that i am supposed to be doing. i am lonely; i have all this free time and no one to spend it with. i am tired of listening to a dial tone when i call the help center and i am tired of feeling like crying.

recovery

so i asked C how she was dealing with homesickness cause i know she doesnt get to go home ever because she's 6 hours away... she said it helped her to just do stuff like take random walks to nowhere- thats how she found llhamas!!! so i decided to take her advice and ask my friend tammy if she would be adventurous with me and take a walk to nowhere. she agreed that we would go. and we did. after we went to college ave to get us some Fat Beaches- which used to be called Fat Bitches until some politically correct people complained. My heathly-eating stomach was like, "whoa, that's a lot of yummy greasy food, ur gonna be soooo sorry." well i'm not really sorry, but my stomach does disagree with me a bit right now. anyway, we didn't find nowhere, but we plan to find it next tuesday and we are going to travel across the river to find it... well maybe we will just look for the panera and the applebees and the walmart... but that's in the middle of nowhere so its close enough... maybe we should bring a map just in case we really end up in nowhere. lol... so yeah, i am in a really good mood right now. i hope this lasts me until i get home. i mean i will still go to the councelor just in case, but i have a good feeling about this. i dont hate my existence here now... random fluke of personality i guess. i hope that doesnt happen too often cause i hate crying, especially 10 times a day, makes for really stuffy sinuses and a bad headache and i just hate to feel so depressed. not that anyone likes it really, but in that case, everyone should know exactly how i feel. well i should shower so i can get to bed soon cause i am really tired for no really good reason plus i have to be up at 8ish tomorrow... gnight all. I love all u guys! thanks so much C!!!

Fear

I'm beginning to think that maybe this is not where i want to be or what i want to be doing. I mean, everything i have ever done in my life was because I wanted to be just like Lauren. i wanted to be as pretty as her and i wanted to have a voice like an angel like hers. That's why I pushed myself so hard in school. that's why i joined the chorus in middle school and continued on with it. I'm not sure that this is my dream i am trying to accomplish. I don't know what I want or who i am without her. and i have this serious pain in my heart and i'm choking on it because I miss home so much that all i want to do is cry. but i can't cry all the time or nothing will ever get done. i don't know what my issue is really, maybe it is this ^. but maybe there's more to it that i have no idea. my doctor referred me to go see the therapist in the student center. To be honest, i never thought that i would actually need to go see one, but i have been crying a million times a day for the last 4 days. maybe its cause i'm homesick and sick otherwise at the same time, maybe it's becasue I don't know what i'm doing here, or who i am... i need some direction. i need to get better so i can stop crying, so i can get my work done, so i can put food in my mouth without the pain of doing so- i mean, i am hungry, but i have no desire to sate that need. i dont know why.

shrink

i think i am in serious need of a shrink. I can't pinpoint why, but i've begun to hate my existence here- i mean i feel like my whole life's dream has been a lie. I don't want to be here anymore. It depresses me to be here and the weather is not helping. it poured on saturday from dawn until who knows when- the Raritan flooded- and its been overcaste since then. but this isn't the only thing- my brain has been in shambles for weeks now and i can't write my papers for expos worth beans and this one I can't even finish, and i don't think I care if i fail. What's worse is i feel like I'm beginning to hate music. I mean not to hate listening to it, but I don't want to write it anymore, i don't want to train my ears anymore, i dont' want to play piano anymore and worst of all, I dont' think i want to sing anymore. and i certainly do not want to take a bunch of science classes and I dont want to minor in nurtition becasue i dont want to get my masters in it either. I feel miserable when it comes to that so why should i want to be miserable for the rest of my life. everything is making me miserable right now: my health, my love life (or lack thereof), eating, playing piano, drawing, singing, showering, dressing, moving, sitting, watching t.v.; everything excpet sleeping and being with my friends.

i mean, last night i cried myself to sleep. this morning I got up and just sat around for a while trying not to cry because my choice is to cry and get a major sinus headache or not cry and choke on my tears. im not sure which is better. i completely forgot there was such a thing as food for a couple of hours and even still i was not hungry, but i know that if i dont eat i will certainly not get rid of my cold. but there was no one to go to eat breakfast with cause sara already ate and dharika had to go to class... so i had no motivation to go. sara came with me anyway. and i started to feel better until she had to leave for class too and walking out of the dining hall, i began to cry.

most of all of this, i want to just go home and sleep in my own bed, be with my family whom i miss so much and forget there's a place called college where i have all these demands on me. but i can't drop out after only a month and i'm never allowed to drop out because i promised my mother id get a degree and would not spend the rest of my life working in the supermarket. but why am i so miserable here, why am i so depressed? i havent felt this depressed since freshman year of high school. I want to be done with this so badly i could almost break my promise to myself and my mother that i would get a degree. how the hell did this happen?

Lovin' the Zicam

yeah, i usually don't believe advertisements... but my friend tammy told me that Zicam actually helped the people she knew that took it, so i decided to go to downtown New Brunswick and get me some. i shoulda taken a bus 'cause I walked the whole mile and a half there and then all the way back, but i was too lazy to wait for one... well anyways, i bought the stuff and it tastes like yuk, but i started taking it about 24 hours ago and my throat doesn't hurt me right now, like it's not scratchy, its not soar, but its still swollen... but if i let this continue on its own, it'd still hurt and i wouldn't have a voice... this stuff is like a miracle in a bottle. :)

Bleh

Damn am I sick... as a frickin' dog... well that never really made any sense to me, but yeah, anyway... I really don't think i have an immune system. This is the fourth time i am sick in the last 5 months. I'm thinkin' that I should spray lysol on everything i own, like every day, and then just maybe i won't get sick later from stuff that i happen to use when i am sick... i'm not sure if that really makes any sense, but it does in my head. yeah, I feel really weak right now, i think I'm going to take me a nap... yeah, that sounds really good right now.

damn my brain

Today I realized that things aren't coming to me as easily as i thought they were. which really sux, because now i have to put more effort in than before- i'm not used to music not being easy for me... i'm talking fundamentals of musicianship. it's eartraining for those of you who aren't music people (most of you, i think) which means that I have to be able to recognize an interval by hearing it and i have to be able to sing an interval on commmand... which was getting easy until this morning when i completely lost all ability to construct sound in my head. I felt like a deaf person (i mean i could hear, but i couldnt make up sounds in my head)- really scary!


and i remembered yesterday that i have a music theory test on monday on everything we've learned so far- that's like 6 chapters- a good deal of it builds on itself, so things in the beginning I'll remember fine because i have to use them every time i write music, but the later stuff i'm thinkin i'll forget. tomorrow i have a quiz in paino class on a piece of music that i forgot to look at until today, it's a good thing that Tammy's class is ahead of mine and i helped her practice it or i wouldn't have ever looked at it and then who knows what would happen tomorrow.


then there's my voice lessons, ah! off to a rocky start and then when that got smoothed over, now i'm having issues being able to read music- well im having mostly rhythmic problems, but that's annoying... i've had rhythm problems all my life and now i have to overcome that... God help me with this. if i want this to be my career, no, my life, i'm really going to have to learn to count the damn music!! ACK!!! ok, i feel better now. what's more is that i'm getting a soar thoat for no good reason, i just woke up with it this morning, coughing and i could not swallow... it was like 6:20 am. good thing my roommate was up anyway cause she was studying for perspectives class. i coulndt just try to go back to sleep, so i used listerine, which helped to the extent that i could swallow again and drank some water to stop the coughing so i could finally go back to sleep.

yeah, today was eventful... but its still not over- i still have to read that essay to do the homework for expos (but i have till friday, so its ok), i still have to drop music off in the my accompanist's mailbox in the music building, i still have to go to the gym, and i desperately need to eat something.
my head hurts.

This Whole Life Thing

well, this whole life thing is killing me recently... yes, i mean mellowdrama. It's hard to help someone figure out what they want and then help them to make a decision based on that when all they can tell you is, "I don't know." and then when all is said and done, im not sure that i really helped at all or if i just confused them even more than they were to begin with because of everything that i asked them to think about before deciding. plus, since i kept thinking about my situation that seemed similar i wasnt sure i was staying in the moment and in the other person's issue which just means more confusion... and then i helped myself figure out what i need to do too, but now i dont want to do it... or if i really have to do it that way at all... i have to find out the truth first before deciding that i'm done with it.


yeah i know, im being vague, but i had to rant without including names or specific events, etc... if u really want to know, IM me and maybe i'll tell you, maybe i won't, depends on my mood, really.


ok, now the last time i wrote, i said that i always want to be here, well that's not entirely true- i caught myself feeling like "i want to go home already" as soon as I got to school this evening. dammit. I want to just be comfortable with this whole living on my own thing... it'll come, i'll get there, eventually.

the air

i absolutely love autumn!! the air is clear, not humid and the trees are perty and even though the sky is cloudy, it's fitting... ah its wonderful. I can't wait for more colors!!!! its funny though, you'd think that autumn would remind me of death because of all the dieing things and in effect, make me sad, but for some reason it doesn't. i feel more subdued, yes, but at the same time, i feel more alive now than usually...


Autumn makes me feel like i'm in a perpetual state of meditation...


I just want to be apart of the outside, but i can't cause i have this paper to write and these songs to learn. The funny thing about that is, that with all this time that I have to be spending on my schoolwork, I always find myself distracted by other things like writing poetry, listening to CD's, and staring at the trees outside my window. I must say, the view from my dorm room is really nice.


As much as I thought that coming to school would sadden me and scare me, I feel so at home here and school doesn't feel like work (except for the essay thing). This is where I want to be almost all the time. I was not expecting that at all.

So I decided

So i've decided to have on of these sights just for the hell of it... not so sure it'll ever become something i use all the time, but now, just in case I have something to say, here it will be