Fear

I'm beginning to think that maybe this is not where i want to be or what i want to be doing. I mean, everything i have ever done in my life was because I wanted to be just like Lauren. i wanted to be as pretty as her and i wanted to have a voice like an angel like hers. That's why I pushed myself so hard in school. that's why i joined the chorus in middle school and continued on with it. I'm not sure that this is my dream i am trying to accomplish. I don't know what I want or who i am without her. and i have this serious pain in my heart and i'm choking on it because I miss home so much that all i want to do is cry. but i can't cry all the time or nothing will ever get done. i don't know what my issue is really, maybe it is this ^. but maybe there's more to it that i have no idea. my doctor referred me to go see the therapist in the student center. To be honest, i never thought that i would actually need to go see one, but i have been crying a million times a day for the last 4 days. maybe its cause i'm homesick and sick otherwise at the same time, maybe it's becasue I don't know what i'm doing here, or who i am... i need some direction. i need to get better so i can stop crying, so i can get my work done, so i can put food in my mouth without the pain of doing so- i mean, i am hungry, but i have no desire to sate that need. i dont know why.