shrink

i think i am in serious need of a shrink. I can't pinpoint why, but i've begun to hate my existence here- i mean i feel like my whole life's dream has been a lie. I don't want to be here anymore. It depresses me to be here and the weather is not helping. it poured on saturday from dawn until who knows when- the Raritan flooded- and its been overcaste since then. but this isn't the only thing- my brain has been in shambles for weeks now and i can't write my papers for expos worth beans and this one I can't even finish, and i don't think I care if i fail. What's worse is i feel like I'm beginning to hate music. I mean not to hate listening to it, but I don't want to write it anymore, i don't want to train my ears anymore, i dont' want to play piano anymore and worst of all, I dont' think i want to sing anymore. and i certainly do not want to take a bunch of science classes and I dont want to minor in nurtition becasue i dont want to get my masters in it either. I feel miserable when it comes to that so why should i want to be miserable for the rest of my life. everything is making me miserable right now: my health, my love life (or lack thereof), eating, playing piano, drawing, singing, showering, dressing, moving, sitting, watching t.v.; everything excpet sleeping and being with my friends.

i mean, last night i cried myself to sleep. this morning I got up and just sat around for a while trying not to cry because my choice is to cry and get a major sinus headache or not cry and choke on my tears. im not sure which is better. i completely forgot there was such a thing as food for a couple of hours and even still i was not hungry, but i know that if i dont eat i will certainly not get rid of my cold. but there was no one to go to eat breakfast with cause sara already ate and dharika had to go to class... so i had no motivation to go. sara came with me anyway. and i started to feel better until she had to leave for class too and walking out of the dining hall, i began to cry.

most of all of this, i want to just go home and sleep in my own bed, be with my family whom i miss so much and forget there's a place called college where i have all these demands on me. but i can't drop out after only a month and i'm never allowed to drop out because i promised my mother id get a degree and would not spend the rest of my life working in the supermarket. but why am i so miserable here, why am i so depressed? i havent felt this depressed since freshman year of high school. I want to be done with this so badly i could almost break my promise to myself and my mother that i would get a degree. how the hell did this happen?