Update

It's been a while since my last post and thus I figured that I should probably do some type of update or something like that. Currently I am worry about my finals and juries. Mostly because I have no idea when either of them will be... but that will be found out in due time i suppose. other tahn that i have nothing to really worry about unless i start pondering the future in which case i usually start freaking out and shit like that. It's not fun, i'll tell you.


so about Thanksgiving break. it was most yummy and quite devious as far as my diet is concerned- btw, I have been on Jenny Craig for about 3 weeks now. It has been hard to get back into the correct eating habits (meaning not adding stuff to the food I eat like extra desserts). it's been working for me - I've lost 9lbs... even 1/2 of a lb from thansgiving break.


I had a revelation about all this depression stuff- it's not because i miss all my friends either. I saw them and hung out with them and such (C even stayed over a night) but still I had a breakdown on Saturday night. C tried to help me out and I think she did a wonderful job actually. She made me realize what is wrong is that I am beginning to burn out. She hleped me to decide that I will not be taking 11 classes next semester and that i should just realize that i am not going to graduate in 4 years no matter what i do unless i really kill myself and that is not worth it. If i just take a few less classes per semester, my grade will be better and I will fel better too, so whateverwith the whole when i gradutate thing. btw, I am now double majoring in vocal performance and music education. that is why i wont get out in 4 years.


Update on expos that i hate so much-I am finally getting an A in expos... I hope that this last paper that ive had to write will also deserves an A. then all i have to worry about is passing the final (which shouldn't be too hard becasue its pass/fail based on the cohesiveness of it and stuff like that).

so it's true

as much as I'd like to deny that i'm just like all those people I knew in HS who were in therapy and angsty-like with the lack of real problems and all that stuff that I didn't want to deal with, I cant. I dont have real problems either, but I'm missing something in my head that makes ppl able to deal with living. Every time I am in school I feel messed up like there's something missing here- I mean this is what I've wanted all my life- what the hell is wrong with me? Here's something I found myself making up and singing to myself in the shower and it gave me a little insight:


"All I want is to feel a little more
like I've something worth living for
but it's not fair for me to say my life's incomplete
when I've got everything
everything I could want,
I could need
I'm even following my dream
and it'd be a lie to say
I can fix myself
cause it's been too many years
that I've felt this way
I'm tired of hiding my tears.
it's time to put my mask on the shelf
and let someone else in"


and it's all true... I have everything I could want and need and all that jazz, but I am feeling so damn incomplete emotionally.