Happy New Year!!!

Here's to 2007, that it may be at least as good as last year (but hopefully better!)

Last semester = over and done with. I kept my 4.0; no I'm not bragging, I'm thanking God because I thought I was about ready to die. Here's to next semester, that it doesn't finish the job that last semester started on me mentally and physically. I think to help it not do that I am going to not take on the opera workshop like I wanted to. It should be a relief I think.

Christmas was pretty good. I was allowed to bring Gordon to my Babcia's for Vilia (christmas eve). :) and on Christmas day I went to Gordon's for a few hours then to my Dad's for dinner and then to my Aunt's for presents and desserts. It was fun but I feel like Christmas has lost some of its wonder. I guess thats what happens when you grow up.

first day of finals...

sucked. well not that badly, but still, it was not good by any means. had I realized that the final exam was going to be a compilation of all the homeworks we did all semester I would have studied those, not my textbook. It's a terrible feeling having to leave answers blank without even a guess as to what it might be. Not something I've done often, I always have some kind of clue, but not this time. At least it's not worth a huge part of my grade- only 15% or something small like that. I'm not worried about my grade in the class, but I feel like I kinda failed myself because I didn't know some things at all and too many of those answers I did put down are left to chance that I got them right. Not a good feeling. This is why, for my history exam, even though I only need 58% on the final to get an A in the class because my average is so high, I will study for it anyway. I have standards. Some people may call it overachieving, but just because it doesn't show up on my transcript doens't mean that I didn't fail something. that is something I just don't do. failing, that is.

As for my juries this semester, I was feeling rather confident in my music and how much I've learned this semester until yesterday morning when I woke up with a terrible cough that has grown into a sinus headache and sore throat as well today. I am doing everything in my power to make it go away by monday when I have the jury. I WILL NOT postpone this one like I had to last time. My other-than-fantastic health will always be something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life, so I have to learn to get through performances with sickness and do whatever I can to heal otherwise. As long as my voice is unaffected, the show must go on. I went to the supermarket to get medicine to combat this and came across something that's supposed to help boost the immune system. I hope it works!! Maybe I won't get sick as often (which is a new occurance since college started- well maybe not that new 3 semesters is long time, but never before did i get sick so much).

This Morning

It’s late morning when I wake,

(I sleep the best when you’re next to me)

I wrap my arms around you and wait.

You turn to face me in your half-sleep;

I love the softness in your eyes when you first wake

and the breadth of your smile to greet me.

I want to find every way to describe what it means

in beautiful words that suit you

but words cannot match the way it feels

to hold your body close to mine:

I am addicted to the magic in your skin

and the taste of your kiss.

givingthanks

weirdest thing happened yesterday as i was walking into my exam. it was like i switched places with my best friend where she was the one freaking out and I was like 'eh whatever its just a dictation exam.' Now, my friend is on antianxiety/depression stuff so normally she's cool about everything and doesn't stress out about shit like I do. Normally, I am the one so stressed out about stuff that I get headaches and migranes and the like, but not yesterday. Actually, not since the beginning of last week when I was studying for my music history exam. I guess I will have something new this thanksgiving to be thankful for: i finally can handle stressors without freaking the hell out. yay!! well, thats not the only new thing for me to be thankful for, but I thank God pretty much everyday for Gordon. We've been together for 5 months and we're doing really well. I couldn't be happier... well actually since I've only gotten happier since we started going out, I suppose it stands to reason that the longer we're together, the happier I will be. This happiness thing is pretty addictive. I think everyone should give it a try. lol

renew the roller coster

It's really funny how fast my mood can swing. I was in such a good mood the last entry and less than an hour later I was feeling really really down again. I felt shitty the next day so I decided it was time to revamp my lifestyle. All over again. yeah, I said it was time to get my ass in gear, but this time I'm actuall doing it. Unfortunately, I am doing it so hard core that I've had a migraine for the last 24 hours, or more like one that hid on me for the morning hours and then snuck back up on me during class. Oh yeah, my history exam was moved, much to my immediate relief when I found out on Monday. But anyhow, I am taking charge of my life again. I am revitalized since I went for a walk in the thunderstorm tonight. I felt connected to nature for a little while and I felt healed. Unfortunately, the health of my head only lasted for an hour after that. I should have gone right to bed to avoid anymore pain, but its too late for that now. But, I'm not complaining. It'll pass and life goes on whether or not it passes, so I must get on with it.


In other news, I had this idea for a fundraiser for the Kirkpatrick Choir using my Mary Kay business and I had a meeting with the officers of the choir about it this morning. They seemed to like my idea. Hopefully Dr. Gardner will like it too. Otherwise, I fear that this trip to DC is going to cost waaaaay too much. not that I know what it costs to begin with, but I can't imagine it being cheap. Well, I won't hold my breath, but I will cross my fingers.

ah the weekend

There's nothing like a weekend alone with my boyfriend to put my life back into perspective. I mean i live for the weekends like the days inbetween are less real, like a semi-depressive dream, and when I wake up on Saturday mornings to see him sleeping next to me, everything is better. Everything makes sense and has purpose. Even though there are things I have been freaking out about because I've been neglecting them, I realize that it's not all that bad and I can still catch up, I can still succeed. He inspires me. Whenever I lose my way, he helps me get back on track before I really screw anything up. I've never had anyone who understands me they way he does; who treats me exactly the way I've always wanted to be treated without ever having to ask me; who can take every complaint I have without getting frustrated and comfort me in such a way that I don't feel like I have anything to complain about anymore. I'm not going to worry anymore about things that already have passed like that exam I took on Friday, what's done is done and all I can do is try to make the future better. That's why I'm not going to be lazy with the next couple of days and I will actually read my music history book and I will study for that exam and I will do well on it on Wednesday. I will. From now on I will take my former attitude about the importance of my studies. No more fucking with my future.

one of those times

so apparently i really need to loosen up. I didn't realize how easily I am frustrated. or how distructive i can be when I get that way. It's a good thing that it takes 15 minutes to walk home from class, any less time and my frustrations would have been taken out on myself in a choice of several ways: blood is always good, bruises are too. Had I had any less time to cool off before getting back to the apartment and since now I am alone in it, I might have actually taken a knife to my skin just enough to see some blood but not actually put myself in any real danger or maybe thrown myself at the ground or against a wall. Maybe I would have found someone big and dangerous looking to piss off so I could get the shit beat out of me. All this pretty much because I'd rather that I was the one to get hurt than me hurting someone else. The stupidest part of this whole thing is that it's over a fucking exam. yeah, I'm that retarded. Tammy said that the dictations on the exam were dictations we'd done in class before and I didn't recognize them at all. It pissed me off when I was in the exam that I thought the teacher had never exposed us to the material before and then wanted to test us on something that we'd never learned. Apparently we'd done some of this the day before and somehow I was either in the bathroom when it all happened or I just wasn't in my right mind. The teacher called me out on my rudeness. I still can't believe the way I acted. It's the same way I reacted during the midterm exam last year in the prereq for the course. Fucking fundies. Unfortunately I really do need the damn class. I'm still rather frustrated, but now more with myself for having acted like an asshole than from the exam itself. If only I had been in a better mood when I entered that exam, maybe I would have been more cordial, reacted more appropriately, or even better, not reacted at all. Just take the fucking exam and get on with it. So I probably did not pass this one and I can't really afford that. All because I've been in a really bad mood this past week. I've been taking it out on other people and now it's my turn to feel my own wrath. I hate myself sometimes. This is one of those times.

sophomore year update

so now i is a college sophomore. yes, grammar is for the weak, as christine would say. so far its going pretty well. I finally took my jury for last semester and i got straight A's on it. woot! my other classes are going ok i guess. we havent had any grades in any other classes so im actually ont sure. I do see a problem developing for me though and that problem is laziness. I never thought it would happen to me seriously being that i was always such a consciencious student, but I guess that things change. It took me a mini breakdown to get myself to realize that its really time to do some work. I felt like I was going to start failing and you know, I can't have that. That is my number one fear: failure. if i am in danger of feeling, I will kick into gear and get shit done. and of course you know my definition of failing is anything less than an A... i guess i can accept a B is i must, but its not good enough for me really. though from the looks of things I may end up getting a less than perfect grade in music history because of my laziness and my inablility to get myself to actually read that book... I recon that in the next week before the test, though, that I will get my ass in gear because I cant start the year like this. A strange turn of events and switch of roles occured that will prevent me from doing too badly, Paige is helping me to not fail history, as opposed to me always tutoring her. It's odd to me, needing help to pass a class. This hasn't happened to me since Calculus senior year in high school. and before that, never have i needed to ask for help to pass a class. indeed this is still a novel idea for me.


in other news, the old me was trying to return as far as confidence is concerned it seems. meaning my confidence has decided to take a little walk without telling me where it was going since i got to school. I went to a party with Gordon where I knew no one but him and I had a total mental breakdown. Then this last week I have been feeling like I have no place being here at a music conservatory. Like i have no real direction in life and I'm just making it up and pretending that I'm going to be a musician. Well I was feeling like that earlier today, but I've since recovered a little confidence thanks to Gordon, again. What would I do without him, really.
Back where I started, I believe.
More updates to come

long time no blog 2

update on my life in case anyone was asking who doesn't normally see me and already know:

Summer's been great minus the working thing. I hate my job, but its only for the summer and I don't have to go back there if I don't want to, and I don't after September 1st. The best part of this summer is Gordon, my boyfriend. (Last entry, I had a girlfriend, but that did not work out very well. If you were wondering about that, well it turns out I'm straight afterall.) Like Karina says, one day someone will enter your life and you will realize why it didn't work out with anyone else. From the time I met him, I knew there would be something special there. I've never been so happy, so content with my life since I have him. He always know how to put my life back into perspective when I blow things out of proportion; he keeps me sane. I love him muchly.

*smile*

So I've got a new reason to be happy. A while back there was a decision indefinitely on hold, that was her. That indefintition came to a stop yesterday- well more like friday, but officially yesterday. *does happy dance*



finally i took my own advice

It's important to make decisions that are based upon your desire to love rather than on the fear that can creep into your life when you are unsure of the future.

somethings not right here

I have this new wonderfully messed up problem. Could someone tell me why I get to feeling so depressed whenever I come across something I like- whether it be music i like to listen to, food I like to eat or anything of that sort? Could someone explain to me why I find myself on the floor of my closet, crying without remembering that I even entered it? this is all so backwards. I have no drive to do anything that has to get done except the fear that if I don't do it, there will be consequenced that I don't want even more than i dont want to do the work- thus the severe procrastination I have found myself engaging in. And the only thing that doesn't get me upset is reading. Well, that part makes sense, escaping to another world, however messed up that world might also be, takes my mind off of my own life. not that my life is even all that bad, so i dont know why i want to escape it so badly.

Back at School

so i have to start off the semester by staying at school for 4 consecutive weeks because of the opera. so far, I have made it through the first weekend alive and I am proud of myself for it. This just goes to show that when I always have something to do, I feel pretty good. Mostly, though, I have the weather to thank. It has been so beautiful and spring-like that my spirits are really really high. It's so strange though, this feeling because it's like a circle- I mean I never realized that there was such a thin line between extremely happy and extremely sad; I always thought that they were too far apart for me to have to worry about falling to the other side of the line at times. I haven't thus far and I expect that I won't, but if I do, I know what will make me feel better. You see, I forgot how much I loved to read and now that I have this really good book, The Wraiths of Will and Pleasure from the Wraeththu series, whenever I get too feeling less than good, I can pick it up and I feel better. I haven't felt this good in a long time- well, minus whenever I'm at home. I think the last time that I've felt this good at school was when I wrote the first blog on this site the air (http://baumregen.blogspot.com/2005/09/air.html). It's strnage to think that it is still only january because the weather is so amazing and the trees are already beginning to bloom-Tammy says that the next ice age must be coming, like this is the calm before the storm idea. lol. well anyway, I have to write a lesson plan for my vocal techniques class so I'm gonna go.

Viaje

in a little while dev, C and me are goin on a walk to the lookout point. i havent been there in over a year and i dont really know how to get there, but hopefully C remembers. she was the one who took me there in the first place. I don't think it will be such a spectacular sight like it is in the autumn because now there are no pretty colors to look at, but when there's nothing to do, it seems like a good idea. we were supposed to go there on tuesday, but that didnt happen the way we wanted it to because i had to get tor from work, but because it's still morning, we have time. Dev suggested that we go to Shades but since i've never been there, i dont want my first time there to be in the daylight, so maybe we will go tonight... idk, we'll have to convince C that it's a good idea. otherwise i might not ever go- well not at least for a while as in a few months or so. maybe if i come home on a weekend i'll get a chance to go with someone (a few people have offered to take me, although jon is working nights now so he prolly wont be able to take me so either dev or mike). coming home on weekends, though, is something i'm supposed to be avoiding so that i can get used to being on my own, otherwise i'll never make it at college- i was supposed to try last semester but i couldnt bring myself to do it. then at xmas, my oldest cousin Nikki convinced me that its in my best interest to try to stay at school for weekends and be away from home. you know, before i went away to college i figured that i would hardly ever come home but now that it's come down to it, i've stayed at school for a grand total of 3 or 4 weekends out the whole first semester. i just get so damn homesick. it's because im such a recluse at school. i hide in my room all fucking day hoping someone will come discover me and pull me out of my dread, but it hardly ever happens. i have to be the one to get out instead, somehow. i just need something to do when i leave my hole in the wall.

meh

well, I've got a lot to say about things that I have been saying a lot- so if you really don't want to hear me rant, then stop reading.


I'm rather upset that I haven't written much poetry since coming home. Now there's a hole in me from it, but I haven't had any inspiration to write anything worthy. I remember when I could barely go a day without writing at least one poem. Not that all of them were really good or anything, but a good deal of them were worth something. Maybe I wasn't the happiest person (obviously, from what i wrote about) but it was a different kind of unhappy then what i am experiencing currently. I'd say that it's been about a week and a half since I felt completely perfunctory. Well, actually that's a lie too because there is always something on my mind that bothers me. It's like I barely get over one thing that is stressing me out when something else starts in. I am wearing thin and it is showing in how I physically feel- knots in muscles all over me, headaches everyday. I thought that when the semester was over it would get better for me... that's what I thought last year: when senior year was over, it'll all be better for me. It's what I think every year. And I am always wrong about it. There is always something to worry about. There is always something that I have to take care of before doing what I want to do. There is always a problem at home, though I actually think that this time it really is improving. There is always something that I am scolding myself for doing or not doing because I feel like I'm not a good person. And that's what is really a problem. In my lighter moods, it seems completely unreasonable and unfair that I should think that way. But those moods are far and few between recently because I haven't really done much to remedy the situation...


I need to get out more so I can stop pondering these things. These thoughts are unnecessary and they are really killing me. It's time I stop caring so much. Let's see how that goes for me. I can see it being a terrible decision, but I can also see a lot less heartache for me.