Back at School

so i have to start off the semester by staying at school for 4 consecutive weeks because of the opera. so far, I have made it through the first weekend alive and I am proud of myself for it. This just goes to show that when I always have something to do, I feel pretty good. Mostly, though, I have the weather to thank. It has been so beautiful and spring-like that my spirits are really really high. It's so strange though, this feeling because it's like a circle- I mean I never realized that there was such a thin line between extremely happy and extremely sad; I always thought that they were too far apart for me to have to worry about falling to the other side of the line at times. I haven't thus far and I expect that I won't, but if I do, I know what will make me feel better. You see, I forgot how much I loved to read and now that I have this really good book, The Wraiths of Will and Pleasure from the Wraeththu series, whenever I get too feeling less than good, I can pick it up and I feel better. I haven't felt this good in a long time- well, minus whenever I'm at home. I think the last time that I've felt this good at school was when I wrote the first blog on this site the air (http://baumregen.blogspot.com/2005/09/air.html). It's strnage to think that it is still only january because the weather is so amazing and the trees are already beginning to bloom-Tammy says that the next ice age must be coming, like this is the calm before the storm idea. lol. well anyway, I have to write a lesson plan for my vocal techniques class so I'm gonna go.

Viaje

in a little while dev, C and me are goin on a walk to the lookout point. i havent been there in over a year and i dont really know how to get there, but hopefully C remembers. she was the one who took me there in the first place. I don't think it will be such a spectacular sight like it is in the autumn because now there are no pretty colors to look at, but when there's nothing to do, it seems like a good idea. we were supposed to go there on tuesday, but that didnt happen the way we wanted it to because i had to get tor from work, but because it's still morning, we have time. Dev suggested that we go to Shades but since i've never been there, i dont want my first time there to be in the daylight, so maybe we will go tonight... idk, we'll have to convince C that it's a good idea. otherwise i might not ever go- well not at least for a while as in a few months or so. maybe if i come home on a weekend i'll get a chance to go with someone (a few people have offered to take me, although jon is working nights now so he prolly wont be able to take me so either dev or mike). coming home on weekends, though, is something i'm supposed to be avoiding so that i can get used to being on my own, otherwise i'll never make it at college- i was supposed to try last semester but i couldnt bring myself to do it. then at xmas, my oldest cousin Nikki convinced me that its in my best interest to try to stay at school for weekends and be away from home. you know, before i went away to college i figured that i would hardly ever come home but now that it's come down to it, i've stayed at school for a grand total of 3 or 4 weekends out the whole first semester. i just get so damn homesick. it's because im such a recluse at school. i hide in my room all fucking day hoping someone will come discover me and pull me out of my dread, but it hardly ever happens. i have to be the one to get out instead, somehow. i just need something to do when i leave my hole in the wall.

meh

well, I've got a lot to say about things that I have been saying a lot- so if you really don't want to hear me rant, then stop reading.


I'm rather upset that I haven't written much poetry since coming home. Now there's a hole in me from it, but I haven't had any inspiration to write anything worthy. I remember when I could barely go a day without writing at least one poem. Not that all of them were really good or anything, but a good deal of them were worth something. Maybe I wasn't the happiest person (obviously, from what i wrote about) but it was a different kind of unhappy then what i am experiencing currently. I'd say that it's been about a week and a half since I felt completely perfunctory. Well, actually that's a lie too because there is always something on my mind that bothers me. It's like I barely get over one thing that is stressing me out when something else starts in. I am wearing thin and it is showing in how I physically feel- knots in muscles all over me, headaches everyday. I thought that when the semester was over it would get better for me... that's what I thought last year: when senior year was over, it'll all be better for me. It's what I think every year. And I am always wrong about it. There is always something to worry about. There is always something that I have to take care of before doing what I want to do. There is always a problem at home, though I actually think that this time it really is improving. There is always something that I am scolding myself for doing or not doing because I feel like I'm not a good person. And that's what is really a problem. In my lighter moods, it seems completely unreasonable and unfair that I should think that way. But those moods are far and few between recently because I haven't really done much to remedy the situation...


I need to get out more so I can stop pondering these things. These thoughts are unnecessary and they are really killing me. It's time I stop caring so much. Let's see how that goes for me. I can see it being a terrible decision, but I can also see a lot less heartache for me.