meh

well, I've got a lot to say about things that I have been saying a lot- so if you really don't want to hear me rant, then stop reading.


I'm rather upset that I haven't written much poetry since coming home. Now there's a hole in me from it, but I haven't had any inspiration to write anything worthy. I remember when I could barely go a day without writing at least one poem. Not that all of them were really good or anything, but a good deal of them were worth something. Maybe I wasn't the happiest person (obviously, from what i wrote about) but it was a different kind of unhappy then what i am experiencing currently. I'd say that it's been about a week and a half since I felt completely perfunctory. Well, actually that's a lie too because there is always something on my mind that bothers me. It's like I barely get over one thing that is stressing me out when something else starts in. I am wearing thin and it is showing in how I physically feel- knots in muscles all over me, headaches everyday. I thought that when the semester was over it would get better for me... that's what I thought last year: when senior year was over, it'll all be better for me. It's what I think every year. And I am always wrong about it. There is always something to worry about. There is always something that I have to take care of before doing what I want to do. There is always a problem at home, though I actually think that this time it really is improving. There is always something that I am scolding myself for doing or not doing because I feel like I'm not a good person. And that's what is really a problem. In my lighter moods, it seems completely unreasonable and unfair that I should think that way. But those moods are far and few between recently because I haven't really done much to remedy the situation...


I need to get out more so I can stop pondering these things. These thoughts are unnecessary and they are really killing me. It's time I stop caring so much. Let's see how that goes for me. I can see it being a terrible decision, but I can also see a lot less heartache for me.