one of those times

so apparently i really need to loosen up. I didn't realize how easily I am frustrated. or how distructive i can be when I get that way. It's a good thing that it takes 15 minutes to walk home from class, any less time and my frustrations would have been taken out on myself in a choice of several ways: blood is always good, bruises are too. Had I had any less time to cool off before getting back to the apartment and since now I am alone in it, I might have actually taken a knife to my skin just enough to see some blood but not actually put myself in any real danger or maybe thrown myself at the ground or against a wall. Maybe I would have found someone big and dangerous looking to piss off so I could get the shit beat out of me. All this pretty much because I'd rather that I was the one to get hurt than me hurting someone else. The stupidest part of this whole thing is that it's over a fucking exam. yeah, I'm that retarded. Tammy said that the dictations on the exam were dictations we'd done in class before and I didn't recognize them at all. It pissed me off when I was in the exam that I thought the teacher had never exposed us to the material before and then wanted to test us on something that we'd never learned. Apparently we'd done some of this the day before and somehow I was either in the bathroom when it all happened or I just wasn't in my right mind. The teacher called me out on my rudeness. I still can't believe the way I acted. It's the same way I reacted during the midterm exam last year in the prereq for the course. Fucking fundies. Unfortunately I really do need the damn class. I'm still rather frustrated, but now more with myself for having acted like an asshole than from the exam itself. If only I had been in a better mood when I entered that exam, maybe I would have been more cordial, reacted more appropriately, or even better, not reacted at all. Just take the fucking exam and get on with it. So I probably did not pass this one and I can't really afford that. All because I've been in a really bad mood this past week. I've been taking it out on other people and now it's my turn to feel my own wrath. I hate myself sometimes. This is one of those times.

sophomore year update

so now i is a college sophomore. yes, grammar is for the weak, as christine would say. so far its going pretty well. I finally took my jury for last semester and i got straight A's on it. woot! my other classes are going ok i guess. we havent had any grades in any other classes so im actually ont sure. I do see a problem developing for me though and that problem is laziness. I never thought it would happen to me seriously being that i was always such a consciencious student, but I guess that things change. It took me a mini breakdown to get myself to realize that its really time to do some work. I felt like I was going to start failing and you know, I can't have that. That is my number one fear: failure. if i am in danger of feeling, I will kick into gear and get shit done. and of course you know my definition of failing is anything less than an A... i guess i can accept a B is i must, but its not good enough for me really. though from the looks of things I may end up getting a less than perfect grade in music history because of my laziness and my inablility to get myself to actually read that book... I recon that in the next week before the test, though, that I will get my ass in gear because I cant start the year like this. A strange turn of events and switch of roles occured that will prevent me from doing too badly, Paige is helping me to not fail history, as opposed to me always tutoring her. It's odd to me, needing help to pass a class. This hasn't happened to me since Calculus senior year in high school. and before that, never have i needed to ask for help to pass a class. indeed this is still a novel idea for me.


in other news, the old me was trying to return as far as confidence is concerned it seems. meaning my confidence has decided to take a little walk without telling me where it was going since i got to school. I went to a party with Gordon where I knew no one but him and I had a total mental breakdown. Then this last week I have been feeling like I have no place being here at a music conservatory. Like i have no real direction in life and I'm just making it up and pretending that I'm going to be a musician. Well I was feeling like that earlier today, but I've since recovered a little confidence thanks to Gordon, again. What would I do without him, really.
Back where I started, I believe.
More updates to come