one of those times

so apparently i really need to loosen up. I didn't realize how easily I am frustrated. or how distructive i can be when I get that way. It's a good thing that it takes 15 minutes to walk home from class, any less time and my frustrations would have been taken out on myself in a choice of several ways: blood is always good, bruises are too. Had I had any less time to cool off before getting back to the apartment and since now I am alone in it, I might have actually taken a knife to my skin just enough to see some blood but not actually put myself in any real danger or maybe thrown myself at the ground or against a wall. Maybe I would have found someone big and dangerous looking to piss off so I could get the shit beat out of me. All this pretty much because I'd rather that I was the one to get hurt than me hurting someone else. The stupidest part of this whole thing is that it's over a fucking exam. yeah, I'm that retarded. Tammy said that the dictations on the exam were dictations we'd done in class before and I didn't recognize them at all. It pissed me off when I was in the exam that I thought the teacher had never exposed us to the material before and then wanted to test us on something that we'd never learned. Apparently we'd done some of this the day before and somehow I was either in the bathroom when it all happened or I just wasn't in my right mind. The teacher called me out on my rudeness. I still can't believe the way I acted. It's the same way I reacted during the midterm exam last year in the prereq for the course. Fucking fundies. Unfortunately I really do need the damn class. I'm still rather frustrated, but now more with myself for having acted like an asshole than from the exam itself. If only I had been in a better mood when I entered that exam, maybe I would have been more cordial, reacted more appropriately, or even better, not reacted at all. Just take the fucking exam and get on with it. So I probably did not pass this one and I can't really afford that. All because I've been in a really bad mood this past week. I've been taking it out on other people and now it's my turn to feel my own wrath. I hate myself sometimes. This is one of those times.