Today be Christmas

Eve. So that means lots of visiting family. Christmas has lost the magic it once had. I can remember being so freaking excited about going to Babcia's house for Vilia when I was younger, but the last few years, it's not been something I look forward to. I don't even look forward to opening presents. I pretty much know what I am getting. When you get older, people no longer want to guess what kinds of things you like or want so they ask you and then they get you exactly that. Which I suppose is not a bad thing, but I like surprises so much more. Not only that, I wasn't too imaginative this year about that I want... I want a new wardrobe, but people can't just buy me clothes, I need to be there to try stuff on because otherwise it may not fit or look good or whatnot, so that means I get a gift card to somewhere. Not that I don't like that, but it takes the fun out of opening up a gift. The other thing about Christmas is that I have a million places to be. When I was little, I went to Vilia at Babcia's house then Dad came and picked me and my sisters up and we went to my Aunt's house. Christmas morning was spent at Mommy's and that was that. Now, Christmas Eve is at Babcia's house and then we go to midnight mass. Christmas morning is at Mommy's but then I have three other places to be: my older sister's house, my boyfriend's family, then my Dad's. or in some order like that. And everyone wants their party at the same damn time too, so it's rather hard to be places for a decent amount of time before you need to go somewhere else. It almost makes me seem rude that I am somewhere for maybe an hour, then leaving, being somewhere else for a while, then leaving and going somewhere else for just a little while too. Everyone gets the short end of the stick. Or, if I decide to spend a good amount of time at any one of those places, then the other two places, I am there after a lot of people are gone... unfair. There is no good way to do this. I think that this is what has taken the magic out of Christmas for me... the expectations of others and the need to fulfill those expectations lest hurt someone's feelings. And I get to feel bad no matter how I choose to do this because no matter what I am slighting someone. :(


I hope everyone else's Christmas is better.

Merry Christmas everyone!

End of the Year

So it's December now, and that means finals time!!! I don't mean to sound excited, I'm not excited about finals, but I am excited about the month off from school that follows that. :) happy happy happy for no school!!! Hopefully, i can get a job of some kind though, i need money desperately. Christmas is going to clean me out.
anyways, so my therapy is going well... I love learning new things about myself, not that it directly makes things better, but it does open doors to things getting better. and thats a very good thing.

In order of things new, I have joined google's ad thingy, so if you see new stuff on the page, like the search bar at the bottom of the page and the ad at the top, that's why. I promise I'm not trying to drag anyone into anything by having these things on my page. like those too-good-to-be-true "win a free vacation" things- not on my page, i won't let it, cause I've fallen into too many traps that way, if anyone finds those kinds of things, please let me know and I will make sure I remove any such ads. and if joining this ad thingy does me any good, i'll let you guys know so you can do it too, if you like.

Halfway

through the semester now. I really don't feel like I've learned too much of anything, but I know I've done an assload of work. Strange, really. I have finally taken the time to start going to therapy. I really hope that it is helpful to me because all I really need is to waste time, right? No, really, I need this to work so I can function correctly. I want to wake up in the morning feeling at least as good as when I went to sleep, but lately the opposite has been the case and it takes me half the day to feel decent about anything. Sometimes longer. This sounds familiar, doesn't it? Yes, I have been through this kind of thing before, but I swear this is the last time. No more will I let my life suffer because of the way I feel, at the very least I want to learn to separate the two, so that is why I finally went. Wish me luck if anyone is reading this.

Summertime

and the livin's easy. So this is the end of June, my favorite month, for two reasons: one, my birthday, two Gordon's and my anniversary. We've been together for over a year now and it's truely been a wonderful year. This is the happiest I have ever been as far as I can remember especially for such an extended time. For our anniversary, he took me out to a restaurant on Lake Hopatcong called the Windlass. It was a really nice place with outdoor and indoor seating though we ate indoors because for some reason it was cold in the middle of June and then it rained halfway through our meal so it was a good thing we were inside. The food was really good and I couldn't pass up the "sinful" dessert even though it's totally not in my diet. He almost wasn't going to let me have it because it's not, but it's a special occasion. He's really good at helping me stay on track with it but he's not a nazi about it either like my mom is. She's on the diet with me and when i told her that i was "pretty much" eating the foods I'm supposed to, she flipped out and told me I'd have to start all the way the hell over. Screw that, I don't care that much, it's only another 10 lbs I have to go and I don't care if it takes me all damn summer to do it, I'm at a healthy weight right now so whatever.

So I got me a new job, I am a waitress at Franks Pizza. There are some days that are really good and there are some that are really bad, but I'm making more than I would have at A&P (meaning that I make more than $100 a week) so I'm happy with it. I wish they would give me more dinner shifts so I can make more money, but there are 10 other servers so I can't really mess with the schedule too much.

About school. Well, I got my first B this past semester in Music History II. Oh well, there goes my 4.0, but it's close enough. I took sociology the first summer session at CCM, I didn't even try and I got an A. Yay, high school #2. I'm kidding, I'm sure it's much harder than the two classes I took there.

Plans for the summer: working, Gordon's sister's wedding, planning Lauren's bridal shower and bachlorette party, working, maybe going on a weekend vacation with Gordon at the end of the summer (he has a real job now and can't take vacations yet), hanging out with my friends, learning to play the piano, learning new songs for school, the list goes on

Well that's it for an update, maybe I'll give another one at the end of the summer.

An Die Musik

Du holde Kunst, in wielveil grauen Stunden,
wo mich des Lebens wilder Kreis unstrickt,
hast du mein Herz, zu warmer lieb enzunden,
hast mich in eine bessre Welt enrückt,
in einer bessre Welt enrückt!

Oft hat ein seufzer, deiner Harf entflossen,
ein süsser heiliger akkord von dir
den Himmel bessrer Zeiten mir erschlossen,
du holde Kunst, ich danke dir dafür,
du holde Kunst, ich danke dir!

-poem by F. von Schober, music F. Schubert

this is the song i have to perform on Monday at music assembly. Yet, somehow I keep forgetting the words to this beautiful song. This is the translation:

you holy art, in how many gray hours
when I was ensnared by life's turbulant orbit
have you kindled my heart to warm love,
have you carried me off into a better world!

often has a sigh flowed from your harp
a sweet, divine chord from you,
the heaven of better times unlocked to me
o holy art, I thank you for that
o holy art, I thank you!

Philosophy of Death

when we're facing the sunset
we're admiring its beauty.
If we all can see the beauty in Ending
there must be reason to believe
in the beauty of death.
for the setting of the sun always leads us
into the night,
but thereafter, an even longer day




really random, I know. but i was looking through my old poems and i wanted to share this with whomever might be reading

"I want to swim away...

but don't know how
sometimes it feels just like i'm falling in the ocean...
............................
I'm reaching for the life within me"
Blue October

I don't know why I getting this way again. but it's just like I can't figure out what it was I was doing here anymore. I don't want to study this anymore. I don't want to become a musician, however a quasi-excuse for one i might be now. I guess I was never really sure that's what I wanted in the first place, I was just here because it was better to have some kind of idea than no direction at all, right? It's not really the life I want anymore. but there's really no life I can imagine that I want, so what would i do if i didn't do music? god knows.

YAY!!

I got a job! I don't mean one like at the A&P but one that involves my life's passion. Singing!! I got a phone call yesterday from a director at a church who was looking for a mezzo-soprano to sing in his choir for $100/week plus $15 gas money (it's in Long Branch, NJ a 40 minute hike from New Brunswick). He asked my teacher if she had any mezzos who might be interested and she recommended me. So I went down to Long Branch last night to the rehearsal and I sang for the director and he liked my voice so now I am going to sing with them at Sunday morning mass. I'm so excited. The music is pretty easy and the people are really nice so I think I am really going to enjoy this! No more sleeping in on Sunday morning, but that's alright. I can deal with that for $100 a week. :)

And so...

it begins. Another semester that is, at the hour of 10:55 AM tomorrow. oh joy. I can't wait. I'm just so excited. *glaring sarcasm* Everyone tells me I'll be fine, the pit of my stomach disagrees highly.

Vacation

I'm not sure why I'm bothering to update because I don't think that anyone reads this but me, but I guess that should be enough so that I can look back someday and be like, "yeah, I remember that." So anyway. I got the staples out from my surgery yesterday morning. woot! Tonight I get my MRI done on my head to rule out any physical problems with my brain causing all my headaches and migranes. I've been to so many doctors this winter break it's not even funny, well actually it is. I kinda am laughing a little on the inside.

So last week I went up to New Hampshire with Gordon to visit his father, stepmom and little sister. The original plan when I was invited oh so many months ago was that we would go skiing while we were up there, but since I had my surgery I wasn't allowed to plus there was no snow, so that was a no go. Except on Thursday, the second day we were up there, we went to Crotchet Mountain where his little sister was having her ski race and Gordon and his dad skied for a couple hours before the race. They tried to convice me to go with them, but I didn't want to hurt my surgery wound especially since I've never skied before, so I stayed in the lounge and studied a few songs for next semester to get ahead. yeah, I know what you're thinking "who studies on their vacation?" apparently I do. But that's the only time, I swear. So I saw his sister race and she got second place and beat pretty much all the boys' times as well. I was like "wow." Other than that day, it rained a lot so then there really wasn't any snow. We spent a lot of time inside watching football and playing cards and watching movies cause of that rain. But we did go out to this really awesome pool hall where the waitress actually comes to your pool table and you eat dinner while you play pool! I want to find one of those in Jersey. If there are any, that is. One of the days we went ice skating. I hadn't been ice skating in years and only a handful of time at that so needless to say I had to hold Gordon's hand for a while before I felt like I had any center of balance at all. There were all these little kids with walker-things that I swear are such a hazard- they think that they don't have to pay any kind of attention at all to anything, they can just stand there cause they have this walker thing to hold onto. There were so many people and so many little kids, it made me a little nervous. Eventually I got comfortable enough to let go of Gordon and then so that I started playing tag with him, his dad and his sister. I only fell once, flat on my back; I thought I was going to have a nice bruise on my ass, but I didn't. One night we were up there, it wasn't raining, so me and Gordon took a walk around the road they live on for an hour or so. It was a nice change from sitting around the house.

After vacation Gordon left to go to Florida to tour the Naval base down there and learn about what kind of work he'd be doing if he decides to join. I really don't want him to join, but it's a good opportunity for him and I can't be selfish even if he will be gone for 5 years. :(

So tomorrow Dad is taking me and my sisters to see the Phantom of the Opera in New York. I'm really excited. I've been wanting to see this show for forever!! Lauren's coming to pick me and Tor up at 10 to go to Dad's. I can't wait!!

note to self

You can't fix everyone.