Baumregen

School's Out....

2009-05-13T11:29:00.000-07:00

and not just for the summer... Well for me as a student that is. I am graduating on Tuesday!!! I'm excited. I'm not really sure for what because it's not like I have never been to a graduation ceremony before and they aren't all THAT exciting. I suppose what I am excited for is that I am no longer a student. I have supposedly exited the realm of adolescence and am now truly an adult in the eyes of society. Even though in college you are legally an adult, people still see you as a college KID.

So last semester I got to play teacher. I say "play" because many of the students did not see me as a full fledged teacher because I was the "student teacher" and they were high school students. In fact, I did not always see myself as a full-fledged teacher either. I don't suppose that I will until I am in charge of my own classes. Speaking of which, I still have not heard back from any of the schools I have applied to teach in. I'm not really sure why. My resume seemed pretty impressive to me (and to my teachers). Maybe it does not look nice enough for employers to want to read. Maybe it's too long? I will just have to be proactive (I hate that word) and call them up to find out what's going on.

Anyway, more about student teaching. I really had a blast. At first it was really challenging because I was doing what I have never REALLY done before: actually teaching a real class with real students who did not know what I wanted from them. Before, pretty much all my teaching experiences were mock-lessons where my peers pretended to be children I was teaching. So my first experiences with real students was a little bit of a shock- Oh my God, they don't have any idea what I'm trying to get them to do. Being that I was teaching choir, the first thing I had to get over was the whole using-the-piano thing to lead warm-ups and teach sectionals. Another thing I had to get over was "so I want them to sing, but how do I get them all to do it at the same time?" For some reason, all my conducting classes failed me the first few times I was up in front of the choirs. Then there was being able to diagnose exactly why students were not learning what I was trying to get across to them- were they just playing around and pretending not to get it (which was sometimes the case), or were they genuinely confused? I wish that I could say that my classes at Rutgers prepared me for what I was to expect walking into a classroom for the first time on the other side of the podium, but to be honest, theories work well in theory and that's about it. They are nice to talk about and think about, but when it comes right down to it, it's the being able to put stuff into practice that my classes at Rutgers did not prepare me for.

In any case, by the end of the semester I really began to feel like I was not "playing" teacher anymore. I felt like a real teacher! I think that it helped that I was in the same school for the entire semester, meaning that I did not switch schools and have to get to know an entirely new set of students. I think that having a rapport with the students really helped me become a teacher. I always wondered why education students have to do student teaching, but now I know it's because it really facilitates a transformation from being a student to becoming a teacher. There are some things about teaching that I wish I could do without like the administrative stuff: taking attendance/making sure no students cut your class that day, dealing with upset parents, dealing with students that just do not want to be there. I kind of wish that I could only teach the kids who actually want to learn how to sing, but that's just not the real world of public school. If I want that I will have to teacher privately, which is much less reliable as far as a paycheck goes and lacks benefits. I guess it is a bit of a compromise. Oh well. I enjoyed teaching choir despite the behavioral issues, etc and I am sure I will continue to enjoy it.

I think that this summer I might actually go on a real vacation! Just me and Gordon staying in a hotel by Virginia Beach. We have not booked it yet because he says that you get better deals on rooms when you wait until 2 or 3 weeks before. I'm not sure that is true, but he says he's done it before, so I'm willing to try that. If it does not work out the way I envision it, there is always next year, and we'll book it my way. There is also always the Jersey Shore, though not as nice, it'll be a fun vacation anyway.

I realize I am telling my entire life story here (ok not the entire thing) but it has been a while since I posted, so I figured I owe an intense update.

Recently Mom bought me a juicer. Not just any juicer, but a Jack Lalanne Juicer! It is soooo cool. It arrived right before spring break and I have used it at least once a day since then! Since then (which is 3 weeks, about) I have lost a little over 5 pounds. I've also begun running again since about 5 or 6 weeks ago (though consistently for only the last 2 and I feel really good. Though not consecutive, I'm up to 4 miles a day. (except for days that I also play ultimate frisbee, then I only run 2) *segue* I joined the MO Ultimate team again this summer. We play pickup on Tuesdays and Saturdays. When real games start they will be Mondays and Fridays. I did not realize it until I looked it up on Sparkpeople.com, but playing ultimate burns over 420 calories an hour! Good thing that I only run 2 miles because I'd be so burned out it I tried to do any more than that. Speaking of my running (yes I am back to that), I ran a mile in 8:16 on Monday! I have not been able to run a mile that fast in 5 years! (or more, I cannot actually remember the last time I could run it that fast since freshman year of high school when I ran it in 7:25) I am really making a lot more progress in my fitness and health this year than I have in a really really long time. Actually, I am probably the healthiest I have ever been.

I feel like I am turning over a new leaf/ entering a new stage in my life. All these changes in my life are happening at once: graduating college/becoming a teacher, improving my health/fitness. I might even be moving out soon. It will probably wait until October, though, because that is when Gordon's lease on the house he is renting with his two friends is up for renewal and I don't think I want to move in there as long as his two roommates are still there (of course I don't know that his friends are not going to renew, but it is in the realm of possibilities). Even though they are my friends too, they are kindof slobs and I could not live like that 24/7. I don't mind it so much when I am visiting but if I lived there I would feel compelled to clean up their messes and that is not really fair for me to do. Hopefully I will have a music teaching job by then so that I actually will have the means of moving out. If not, I will have to find some sort of full-time position somewhere because working at the After is just not going to pay all the bills I will have. Speaking of the possibility of moving in with Gordon, there is also the possibility of us getting married! Every time we have talked about it in the past, he has always said that he did not want to plan out the rest of his life yet, but recently he was hinting at the fact that he might have changed his mind by making comments about what kinds of things he would want to plan for our wedding, hypothetically. So I asked him point-blank one day if he was actually going to marry me and he said yes, he is! I suppose that makes us engaged, but there was no formal proposal/ring, so I'm not calling it official. I am really excited about that too. So I guess there are a lot of exciting things happening to me. My life is going pretty much exactly where I wanted it to right now. I never thought I would be able to say that, but now I really can. :-)

Turns out I really was crazy

2008-05-23T11:28:00.000-07:00

So last time that I wrote, I has just started out with Coastal Vacations, right? And I said that I must be crazy for doing it- turns out that I really am pretty crazy because I have made no profit form it yet- in fact I am quite in the hole with it. Not to say that Coastal is not a viable business- I'm just not a sales person. So I have wasted a lot of time and energy into something that did not pan out. I even created a new website that is more user friendly than the one that travel makes you happy gave me. That alone has taken hundreds of hours of my time over the last few months.

I can't really say this is the first time I have done that- only this is the first time I've done it with money. I guess this is really a judgment of my character- I am quick to jump into something, waste a lot of time and energy on it and then still be in the gray area for a long time before ultimately giving up. I can't really say I am proud of that fact of my personality- but I just do not have to perseverance to keep trying and trying at something that is not paying me back. It's quite sad that I wasted so much time and energy, but also even sadder that I wasted my credit cards on it. I wish that I knew what I was getting myself into before I decided to jump in head first with all my clothes still on.

On another note, I have completed yet another 4.0 semester at Mason Gross. I have officially completed my Junior year of college. How weird- I am a senior in College! I can't get over how that sounds. God, I am going to be entering the real world in a year. It's a scary thought. I look forward to it though. As scary as it is, I am actually quite excited about the idea that I am going to be student teaching in less than a year and then a few months after that I will be teaching for real! I will finally be an independent adult. I guess this means I will have to look for a place to live because I do not think I would be able to live with my Mother once I get a teaching job. It would be way too weird. By then Gordon should have his own place and maybe we can talk about moving in together. I can't wait for that the most I think. I really have found someone special. In 24 days it will be our 2 year anniversary! Wow, I really don't have much time to figure out what I'm going to get him. But what can I give to a guy who has pretty much everything he wants/needs, especially what can I give him that I can afford to give him. If I were not in debt, I would look into getting the PS3 for him but that's a couple hundred dollars that I do not have. I have no idea what I should get him... I'll have to look stuff up on the internet maybe... maybe that's not a great idea. You'd think that I don't know him if I don't know what to get him- but I never was very good at figuring out gift ideas for even my sisters who I am the closest to in this world. Good luck to me figuring this out.

I must be crazy

2008-01-09T06:56:00.000-08:00

So this company Travel Makes You Happy calls me yesterday and of course I always let the people who call me talk me into whatever they are trying to do... well not always, actually most of the time I can get myself out of it without being too rude (which of course is always my goal, I hate rude people so I do not want to become the thing I hate, right?). The guy on the other end of the line tells me that I can own a travel business online and all I'd have to do is advertise and that all the other work would be done for me. Ok, I'll bite. So he's talking all about how much money I could make- like over $100,000 a year- and that I get free vacations out of it- and I'm thinking, alright, what is the catch? I have to pay some amount of money- like $1200- which I don't have and I told him as much. So he says, sure, that's fine, then do you have $95 for the registration fee? well, not exactly, but I do have a credit card... though I do hate spending money I don't already have- the millionaire's mentality the guy tells me. So I take down his information so that just in case he's trying to steal my identity when I give him my information, I can have at least somewhere to start with it. Then I give him my credit card number and all that jazz and voila, I am now a travel agent...

Visit my website www.seetheworldtravellive.com it's actually pretty cool.

2 weeks left of winter break

2008-01-07T07:54:00.000-08:00

and for some reason I am looking forward to getting back to New Brunswick. It's not like there's really anything I do down there other than school, but its just that I am so BORED and don't know what to do with myself since I wasn't able to get a job for winter break. I am just looking forward to having something to do everyday (almost). Next semester I only have class Monday thu Thursday, and sometimes on Friday. I have no clue what the hell that's about, but whatever. I am looking forward to it only in the sense that I will not sleep all day and then wonder why at 9pm I am exhausted from doing nothing all day.

Today be Christmas

2007-12-24T07:54:00.000-08:00

Eve. So that means lots of visiting family. Christmas has lost the magic it once had. I can remember being so freaking excited about going to Babcia's house for Vilia when I was younger, but the last few years, it's not been something I look forward to. I don't even look forward to opening presents. I pretty much know what I am getting. When you get older, people no longer want to guess what kinds of things you like or want so they ask you and then they get you exactly that. Which I suppose is not a bad thing, but I like surprises so much more. Not only that, I wasn't too imaginative this year about that I want... I want a new wardrobe, but people can't just buy me clothes, I need to be there to try stuff on because otherwise it may not fit or look good or whatnot, so that means I get a gift card to somewhere. Not that I don't like that, but it takes the fun out of opening up a gift. The other thing about Christmas is that I have a million places to be. When I was little, I went to Vilia at Babcia's house then Dad came and picked me and my sisters up and we went to my Aunt's house. Christmas morning was spent at Mommy's and that was that. Now, Christmas Eve is at Babcia's house and then we go to midnight mass. Christmas morning is at Mommy's but then I have three other places to be: my older sister's house, my boyfriend's family, then my Dad's. or in some order like that. And everyone wants their party at the same damn time too, so it's rather hard to be places for a decent amount of time before you need to go somewhere else. It almost makes me seem rude that I am somewhere for maybe an hour, then leaving, being somewhere else for a while, then leaving and going somewhere else for just a little while too. Everyone gets the short end of the stick. Or, if I decide to spend a good amount of time at any one of those places, then the other two places, I am there after a lot of people are gone... unfair. There is no good way to do this. I think that this is what has taken the magic out of Christmas for me... the expectations of others and the need to fulfill those expectations lest hurt someone's feelings. And I get to feel bad no matter how I choose to do this because no matter what I am slighting someone. :(

I hope everyone else's Christmas is better.

Merry Christmas everyone!

End of the Year

2007-12-04T20:49:00.000-08:00

So it's December now, and that means finals time!!! I don't mean to sound excited, I'm not excited about finals, but I am excited about the month off from school that follows that. :) happy happy happy for no school!!! Hopefully, i can get a job of some kind though, i need money desperately. Christmas is going to clean me out.
anyways, so my therapy is going well... I love learning new things about myself, not that it directly makes things better, but it does open doors to things getting better. and thats a very good thing.

In order of things new, I have joined google's ad thingy, so if you see new stuff on the page, like the search bar at the bottom of the page and the ad at the top, that's why. I promise I'm not trying to drag anyone into anything by having these things on my page. like those too-good-to-be-true "win a free vacation" things- not on my page, i won't let it, cause I've fallen into too many traps that way, if anyone finds those kinds of things, please let me know and I will make sure I remove any such ads. and if joining this ad thingy does me any good, i'll let you guys know so you can do it too, if you like.

Halfway

2007-10-18T05:05:00.000-07:00

through the semester now. I really don't feel like I've learned too much of anything, but I know I've done an assload of work. Strange, really. I have finally taken the time to start going to therapy. I really hope that it is helpful to me because all I really need is to waste time, right? No, really, I need this to work so I can function correctly. I want to wake up in the morning feeling at least as good as when I went to sleep, but lately the opposite has been the case and it takes me half the day to feel decent about anything. Sometimes longer. This sounds familiar, doesn't it? Yes, I have been through this kind of thing before, but I swear this is the last time. No more will I let my life suffer because of the way I feel, at the very least I want to learn to separate the two, so that is why I finally went. Wish me luck if anyone is reading this.

Summertime

2007-06-30T09:37:00.000-07:00

and the livin's easy. So this is the end of June, my favorite month, for two reasons: one, my birthday, two Gordon's and my anniversary. We've been together for over a year now and it's truely been a wonderful year. This is the happiest I have ever been as far as I can remember especially for such an extended time. For our anniversary, he took me out to a restaurant on Lake Hopatcong called the Windlass. It was a really nice place with outdoor and indoor seating though we ate indoors because for some reason it was cold in the middle of June and then it rained halfway through our meal so it was a good thing we were inside. The food was really good and I couldn't pass up the "sinful" dessert even though it's totally not in my diet. He almost wasn't going to let me have it because it's not, but it's a special occasion. He's really good at helping me stay on track with it but he's not a nazi about it either like my mom is. She's on the diet with me and when i told her that i was "pretty much" eating the foods I'm supposed to, she flipped out and told me I'd have to start all the way the hell over. Screw that, I don't care that much, it's only another 10 lbs I have to go and I don't care if it takes me all damn summer to do it, I'm at a healthy weight right now so whatever.

So I got me a new job, I am a waitress at Franks Pizza. There are some days that are really good and there are some that are really bad, but I'm making more than I would have at A&P (meaning that I make more than $100 a week) so I'm happy with it. I wish they would give me more dinner shifts so I can make more money, but there are 10 other servers so I can't really mess with the schedule too much.

About school. Well, I got my first B this past semester in Music History II. Oh well, there goes my 4.0, but it's close enough. I took sociology the first summer session at CCM, I didn't even try and I got an A. Yay, high school #2. I'm kidding, I'm sure it's much harder than the two classes I took there.

Plans for the summer: working, Gordon's sister's wedding, planning Lauren's bridal shower and bachlorette party, working, maybe going on a weekend vacation with Gordon at the end of the summer (he has a real job now and can't take vacations yet), hanging out with my friends, learning to play the piano, learning new songs for school, the list goes on

Well that's it for an update, maybe I'll give another one at the end of the summer.

An Die Musik

2007-02-23T08:21:00.000-08:00

Du holde Kunst, in wielveil grauen Stunden,
wo mich des Lebens wilder Kreis unstrickt,
hast du mein Herz, zu warmer lieb enzunden,
hast mich in eine bessre Welt enrückt,
in einer bessre Welt enrückt!

Oft hat ein seufzer, deiner Harf entflossen,
ein süsser heiliger akkord von dir
den Himmel bessrer Zeiten mir erschlossen,
du holde Kunst, ich danke dir dafür,
du holde Kunst, ich danke dir!

-poem by F. von Schober, music F. Schubert

this is the song i have to perform on Monday at music assembly. Yet, somehow I keep forgetting the words to this beautiful song. This is the translation:

you holy art, in how many gray hours
when I was ensnared by life's turbulant orbit
have you kindled my heart to warm love,
have you carried me off into a better world!

often has a sigh flowed from your harp
a sweet, divine chord from you,
the heaven of better times unlocked to me
o holy art, I thank you for that
o holy art, I thank you!

Philosophy of Death

2007-02-14T19:11:00.000-08:00

when we're facing the sunset
we're admiring its beauty.
If we all can see the beauty in Ending
there must be reason to believe
in the beauty of death.
for the setting of the sun always leads us
into the night,
but thereafter, an even longer day

really random, I know. but i was looking through my old poems and i wanted to share this with whomever might be reading

"I want to swim away...

2007-02-05T20:50:00.000-08:00

but don't know how
sometimes it feels just like i'm falling in the ocean...
............................
I'm reaching for the life within me"
Blue October

I don't know why I getting this way again. but it's just like I can't figure out what it was I was doing here anymore. I don't want to study this anymore. I don't want to become a musician, however a quasi-excuse for one i might be now. I guess I was never really sure that's what I wanted in the first place, I was just here because it was better to have some kind of idea than no direction at all, right? It's not really the life I want anymore. but there's really no life I can imagine that I want, so what would i do if i didn't do music? god knows.

YAY!!

2007-01-25T11:57:00.000-08:00

I got a job! I don't mean one like at the A&P but one that involves my life's passion. Singing!! I got a phone call yesterday from a director at a church who was looking for a mezzo-soprano to sing in his choir for $100/week plus $15 gas money (it's in Long Branch, NJ a 40 minute hike from New Brunswick). He asked my teacher if she had any mezzos who might be interested and she recommended me. So I went down to Long Branch last night to the rehearsal and I sang for the director and he liked my voice so now I am going to sing with them at Sunday morning mass. I'm so excited. The music is pretty easy and the people are really nice so I think I am really going to enjoy this! No more sleeping in on Sunday morning, but that's alright. I can deal with that for $100 a week. :)

And so...

2007-01-15T20:03:00.000-08:00

it begins. Another semester that is, at the hour of 10:55 AM tomorrow. oh joy. I can't wait. I'm just so excited. *glaring sarcasm* Everyone tells me I'll be fine, the pit of my stomach disagrees highly.

Vacation

2007-01-12T14:41:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure why I'm bothering to update because I don't think that anyone reads this but me, but I guess that should be enough so that I can look back someday and be like, "yeah, I remember that." So anyway. I got the staples out from my surgery yesterday morning. woot! Tonight I get my MRI done on my head to rule out any physical problems with my brain causing all my headaches and migranes. I've been to so many doctors this winter break it's not even funny, well actually it is. I kinda am laughing a little on the inside.

So last week I went up to New Hampshire with Gordon to visit his father, stepmom and little sister. The original plan when I was invited oh so many months ago was that we would go skiing while we were up there, but since I had my surgery I wasn't allowed to plus there was no snow, so that was a no go. Except on Thursday, the second day we were up there, we went to Crotchet Mountain where his little sister was having her ski race and Gordon and his dad skied for a couple hours before the race. They tried to convice me to go with them, but I didn't want to hurt my surgery wound especially since I've never skied before, so I stayed in the lounge and studied a few songs for next semester to get ahead. yeah, I know what you're thinking "who studies on their vacation?" apparently I do. But that's the only time, I swear. So I saw his sister race and she got second place and beat pretty much all the boys' times as well. I was like "wow." Other than that day, it rained a lot so then there really wasn't any snow. We spent a lot of time inside watching football and playing cards and watching movies cause of that rain. But we did go out to this really awesome pool hall where the waitress actually comes to your pool table and you eat dinner while you play pool! I want to find one of those in Jersey. If there are any, that is. One of the days we went ice skating. I hadn't been ice skating in years and only a handful of time at that so needless to say I had to hold Gordon's hand for a while before I felt like I had any center of balance at all. There were all these little kids with walker-things that I swear are such a hazard- they think that they don't have to pay any kind of attention at all to anything, they can just stand there cause they have this walker thing to hold onto. There were so many people and so many little kids, it made me a little nervous. Eventually I got comfortable enough to let go of Gordon and then so that I started playing tag with him, his dad and his sister. I only fell once, flat on my back; I thought I was going to have a nice bruise on my ass, but I didn't. One night we were up there, it wasn't raining, so me and Gordon took a walk around the road they live on for an hour or so. It was a nice change from sitting around the house.

After vacation Gordon left to go to Florida to tour the Naval base down there and learn about what kind of work he'd be doing if he decides to join. I really don't want him to join, but it's a good opportunity for him and I can't be selfish even if he will be gone for 5 years. :(

So tomorrow Dad is taking me and my sisters to see the Phantom of the Opera in New York. I'm really excited. I've been wanting to see this show for forever!! Lauren's coming to pick me and Tor up at 10 to go to Dad's. I can't wait!!

note to self

2007-01-02T07:18:00.000-08:00

You can't fix everyone.

Happy New Year!!!

2006-12-31T11:14:00.000-08:00

Here's to 2007, that it may be at least as good as last year (but hopefully better!)

Last semester = over and done with. I kept my 4.0; no I'm not bragging, I'm thanking God because I thought I was about ready to die. Here's to next semester, that it doesn't finish the job that last semester started on me mentally and physically. I think to help it not do that I am going to not take on the opera workshop like I wanted to. It should be a relief I think.

Christmas was pretty good. I was allowed to bring Gordon to my Babcia's for Vilia (christmas eve). :) and on Christmas day I went to Gordon's for a few hours then to my Dad's for dinner and then to my Aunt's for presents and desserts. It was fun but I feel like Christmas has lost some of its wonder. I guess thats what happens when you grow up.

first day of finals...

2006-12-15T10:50:00.000-08:00

sucked. well not that badly, but still, it was not good by any means. had I realized that the final exam was going to be a compilation of all the homeworks we did all semester I would have studied those, not my textbook. It's a terrible feeling having to leave answers blank without even a guess as to what it might be. Not something I've done often, I always have some kind of clue, but not this time. At least it's not worth a huge part of my grade- only 15% or something small like that. I'm not worried about my grade in the class, but I feel like I kinda failed myself because I didn't know some things at all and too many of those answers I did put down are left to chance that I got them right. Not a good feeling. This is why, for my history exam, even though I only need 58% on the final to get an A in the class because my average is so high, I will study for it anyway. I have standards. Some people may call it overachieving, but just because it doesn't show up on my transcript doens't mean that I didn't fail something. that is something I just don't do. failing, that is.

As for my juries this semester, I was feeling rather confident in my music and how much I've learned this semester until yesterday morning when I woke up with a terrible cough that has grown into a sinus headache and sore throat as well today. I am doing everything in my power to make it go away by monday when I have the jury. I WILL NOT postpone this one like I had to last time. My other-than-fantastic health will always be something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life, so I have to learn to get through performances with sickness and do whatever I can to heal otherwise. As long as my voice is unaffected, the show must go on. I went to the supermarket to get medicine to combat this and came across something that's supposed to help boost the immune system. I hope it works!! Maybe I won't get sick as often (which is a new occurance since college started- well maybe not that new 3 semesters is long time, but never before did i get sick so much).

This Morning

2006-12-06T20:42:00.000-08:00

It’s late morning when I wake,

(I sleep the best when you’re next to me)

I wrap my arms around you and wait.

You turn to face me in your half-sleep;

I love the softness in your eyes when you first wake

and the breadth of your smile to greet me.

I want to find every way to describe what it means

in beautiful words that suit you

but words cannot match the way it feels

to hold your body close to mine:

I am addicted to the magic in your skin

and the taste of your kiss.

givingthanks

2006-11-22T07:56:00.000-08:00

weirdest thing happened yesterday as i was walking into my exam. it was like i switched places with my best friend where she was the one freaking out and I was like 'eh whatever its just a dictation exam.' Now, my friend is on antianxiety/depression stuff so normally she's cool about everything and doesn't stress out about shit like I do. Normally, I am the one so stressed out about stuff that I get headaches and migranes and the like, but not yesterday. Actually, not since the beginning of last week when I was studying for my music history exam. I guess I will have something new this thanksgiving to be thankful for: i finally can handle stressors without freaking the hell out. yay!! well, thats not the only new thing for me to be thankful for, but I thank God pretty much everyday for Gordon. We've been together for 5 months and we're doing really well. I couldn't be happier... well actually since I've only gotten happier since we started going out, I suppose it stands to reason that the longer we're together, the happier I will be. This happiness thing is pretty addictive. I think everyone should give it a try. lol

renew the roller coster

2006-10-04T19:22:00.000-07:00

It's really funny how fast my mood can swing. I was in such a good mood the last entry and less than an hour later I was feeling really really down again. I felt shitty the next day so I decided it was time to revamp my lifestyle. All over again. yeah, I said it was time to get my ass in gear, but this time I'm actuall doing it. Unfortunately, I am doing it so hard core that I've had a migraine for the last 24 hours, or more like one that hid on me for the morning hours and then snuck back up on me during class. Oh yeah, my history exam was moved, much to my immediate relief when I found out on Monday. But anyhow, I am taking charge of my life again. I am revitalized since I went for a walk in the thunderstorm tonight. I felt connected to nature for a little while and I felt healed. Unfortunately, the health of my head only lasted for an hour after that. I should have gone right to bed to avoid anymore pain, but its too late for that now. But, I'm not complaining. It'll pass and life goes on whether or not it passes, so I must get on with it.

In other news, I had this idea for a fundraiser for the Kirkpatrick Choir using my Mary Kay business and I had a meeting with the officers of the choir about it this morning. They seemed to like my idea. Hopefully Dr. Gardner will like it too. Otherwise, I fear that this trip to DC is going to cost waaaaay too much. not that I know what it costs to begin with, but I can't imagine it being cheap. Well, I won't hold my breath, but I will cross my fingers.

ah the weekend

2006-10-01T20:06:00.000-07:00

There's nothing like a weekend alone with my boyfriend to put my life back into perspective. I mean i live for the weekends like the days inbetween are less real, like a semi-depressive dream, and when I wake up on Saturday mornings to see him sleeping next to me, everything is better. Everything makes sense and has purpose. Even though there are things I have been freaking out about because I've been neglecting them, I realize that it's not all that bad and I can still catch up, I can still succeed. He inspires me. Whenever I lose my way, he helps me get back on track before I really screw anything up. I've never had anyone who understands me they way he does; who treats me exactly the way I've always wanted to be treated without ever having to ask me; who can take every complaint I have without getting frustrated and comfort me in such a way that I don't feel like I have anything to complain about anymore. I'm not going to worry anymore about things that already have passed like that exam I took on Friday, what's done is done and all I can do is try to make the future better. That's why I'm not going to be lazy with the next couple of days and I will actually read my music history book and I will study for that exam and I will do well on it on Wednesday. I will. From now on I will take my former attitude about the importance of my studies. No more fucking with my future.

one of those times

2006-09-29T11:23:00.000-07:00

so apparently i really need to loosen up. I didn't realize how easily I am frustrated. or how distructive i can be when I get that way. It's a good thing that it takes 15 minutes to walk home from class, any less time and my frustrations would have been taken out on myself in a choice of several ways: blood is always good, bruises are too. Had I had any less time to cool off before getting back to the apartment and since now I am alone in it, I might have actually taken a knife to my skin just enough to see some blood but not actually put myself in any real danger or maybe thrown myself at the ground or against a wall. Maybe I would have found someone big and dangerous looking to piss off so I could get the shit beat out of me. All this pretty much because I'd rather that I was the one to get hurt than me hurting someone else. The stupidest part of this whole thing is that it's over a fucking exam. yeah, I'm that retarded. Tammy said that the dictations on the exam were dictations we'd done in class before and I didn't recognize them at all. It pissed me off when I was in the exam that I thought the teacher had never exposed us to the material before and then wanted to test us on something that we'd never learned. Apparently we'd done some of this the day before and somehow I was either in the bathroom when it all happened or I just wasn't in my right mind. The teacher called me out on my rudeness. I still can't believe the way I acted. It's the same way I reacted during the midterm exam last year in the prereq for the course. Fucking fundies. Unfortunately I really do need the damn class. I'm still rather frustrated, but now more with myself for having acted like an asshole than from the exam itself. If only I had been in a better mood when I entered that exam, maybe I would have been more cordial, reacted more appropriately, or even better, not reacted at all. Just take the fucking exam and get on with it. So I probably did not pass this one and I can't really afford that. All because I've been in a really bad mood this past week. I've been taking it out on other people and now it's my turn to feel my own wrath. I hate myself sometimes. This is one of those times.

sophomore year update

2006-09-21T19:12:00.000-07:00

so now i is a college sophomore. yes, grammar is for the weak, as christine would say. so far its going pretty well. I finally took my jury for last semester and i got straight A's on it. woot! my other classes are going ok i guess. we havent had any grades in any other classes so im actually ont sure. I do see a problem developing for me though and that problem is laziness. I never thought it would happen to me seriously being that i was always such a consciencious student, but I guess that things change. It took me a mini breakdown to get myself to realize that its really time to do some work. I felt like I was going to start failing and you know, I can't have that. That is my number one fear: failure. if i am in danger of feeling, I will kick into gear and get shit done. and of course you know my definition of failing is anything less than an A... i guess i can accept a B is i must, but its not good enough for me really. though from the looks of things I may end up getting a less than perfect grade in music history because of my laziness and my inablility to get myself to actually read that book... I recon that in the next week before the test, though, that I will get my ass in gear because I cant start the year like this. A strange turn of events and switch of roles occured that will prevent me from doing too badly, Paige is helping me to not fail history, as opposed to me always tutoring her. It's odd to me, needing help to pass a class. This hasn't happened to me since Calculus senior year in high school. and before that, never have i needed to ask for help to pass a class. indeed this is still a novel idea for me.

in other news, the old me was trying to return as far as confidence is concerned it seems. meaning my confidence has decided to take a little walk without telling me where it was going since i got to school. I went to a party with Gordon where I knew no one but him and I had a total mental breakdown. Then this last week I have been feeling like I have no place being here at a music conservatory. Like i have no real direction in life and I'm just making it up and pretending that I'm going to be a musician. Well I was feeling like that earlier today, but I've since recovered a little confidence thanks to Gordon, again. What would I do without him, really.
Back where I started, I believe.
More updates to come

long time no blog 2

2006-08-17T11:13:00.000-07:00

update on my life in case anyone was asking who doesn't normally see me and already know:

Summer's been great minus the working thing. I hate my job, but its only for the summer and I don't have to go back there if I don't want to, and I don't after September 1st. The best part of this summer is Gordon, my boyfriend. (Last entry, I had a girlfriend, but that did not work out very well. If you were wondering about that, well it turns out I'm straight afterall.) Like Karina says, one day someone will enter your life and you will realize why it didn't work out with anyone else. From the time I met him, I knew there would be something special there. I've never been so happy, so content with my life since I have him. He always know how to put my life back into perspective when I blow things out of proportion; he keeps me sane. I love him muchly.

smile

2006-03-16T20:06:00.000-08:00

So I've got a new reason to be happy. A while back there was a decision indefinitely on hold, that was her. That indefintition came to a stop yesterday- well more like friday, but officially yesterday. *does happy dance*

finally i took my own advice

It's important to make decisions that are based upon your desire to love rather than on the fear that can creep into your life when you are unsure of the future.

somethings not right here

2006-02-04T16:10:00.000-08:00

I have this new wonderfully messed up problem. Could someone tell me why I get to feeling so depressed whenever I come across something I like- whether it be music i like to listen to, food I like to eat or anything of that sort? Could someone explain to me why I find myself on the floor of my closet, crying without remembering that I even entered it? this is all so backwards. I have no drive to do anything that has to get done except the fear that if I don't do it, there will be consequenced that I don't want even more than i dont want to do the work- thus the severe procrastination I have found myself engaging in. And the only thing that doesn't get me upset is reading. Well, that part makes sense, escaping to another world, however messed up that world might also be, takes my mind off of my own life. not that my life is even all that bad, so i dont know why i want to escape it so badly.

Back at School

2006-01-22T08:37:00.000-08:00

so i have to start off the semester by staying at school for 4 consecutive weeks because of the opera. so far, I have made it through the first weekend alive and I am proud of myself for it. This just goes to show that when I always have something to do, I feel pretty good. Mostly, though, I have the weather to thank. It has been so beautiful and spring-like that my spirits are really really high. It's so strange though, this feeling because it's like a circle- I mean I never realized that there was such a thin line between extremely happy and extremely sad; I always thought that they were too far apart for me to have to worry about falling to the other side of the line at times. I haven't thus far and I expect that I won't, but if I do, I know what will make me feel better. You see, I forgot how much I loved to read and now that I have this really good book, The Wraiths of Will and Pleasure from the Wraeththu series, whenever I get too feeling less than good, I can pick it up and I feel better. I haven't felt this good in a long time- well, minus whenever I'm at home. I think the last time that I've felt this good at school was when I wrote the first blog on this site the air (http://baumregen.blogspot.com/2005/09/air.html). It's strnage to think that it is still only january because the weather is so amazing and the trees are already beginning to bloom-Tammy says that the next ice age must be coming, like this is the calm before the storm idea. lol. well anyway, I have to write a lesson plan for my vocal techniques class so I'm gonna go.

Viaje

2006-01-12T08:19:00.000-08:00

in a little while dev, C and me are goin on a walk to the lookout point. i havent been there in over a year and i dont really know how to get there, but hopefully C remembers. she was the one who took me there in the first place. I don't think it will be such a spectacular sight like it is in the autumn because now there are no pretty colors to look at, but when there's nothing to do, it seems like a good idea. we were supposed to go there on tuesday, but that didnt happen the way we wanted it to because i had to get tor from work, but because it's still morning, we have time. Dev suggested that we go to Shades but since i've never been there, i dont want my first time there to be in the daylight, so maybe we will go tonight... idk, we'll have to convince C that it's a good idea. otherwise i might not ever go- well not at least for a while as in a few months or so. maybe if i come home on a weekend i'll get a chance to go with someone (a few people have offered to take me, although jon is working nights now so he prolly wont be able to take me so either dev or mike). coming home on weekends, though, is something i'm supposed to be avoiding so that i can get used to being on my own, otherwise i'll never make it at college- i was supposed to try last semester but i couldnt bring myself to do it. then at xmas, my oldest cousin Nikki convinced me that its in my best interest to try to stay at school for weekends and be away from home. you know, before i went away to college i figured that i would hardly ever come home but now that it's come down to it, i've stayed at school for a grand total of 3 or 4 weekends out the whole first semester. i just get so damn homesick. it's because im such a recluse at school. i hide in my room all fucking day hoping someone will come discover me and pull me out of my dread, but it hardly ever happens. i have to be the one to get out instead, somehow. i just need something to do when i leave my hole in the wall.

meh

2006-01-09T07:49:00.000-08:00

well, I've got a lot to say about things that I have been saying a lot- so if you really don't want to hear me rant, then stop reading.

I'm rather upset that I haven't written much poetry since coming home. Now there's a hole in me from it, but I haven't had any inspiration to write anything worthy. I remember when I could barely go a day without writing at least one poem. Not that all of them were really good or anything, but a good deal of them were worth something. Maybe I wasn't the happiest person (obviously, from what i wrote about) but it was a different kind of unhappy then what i am experiencing currently. I'd say that it's been about a week and a half since I felt completely perfunctory. Well, actually that's a lie too because there is always something on my mind that bothers me. It's like I barely get over one thing that is stressing me out when something else starts in. I am wearing thin and it is showing in how I physically feel- knots in muscles all over me, headaches everyday. I thought that when the semester was over it would get better for me... that's what I thought last year: when senior year was over, it'll all be better for me. It's what I think every year. And I am always wrong about it. There is always something to worry about. There is always something that I have to take care of before doing what I want to do. There is always a problem at home, though I actually think that this time it really is improving. There is always something that I am scolding myself for doing or not doing because I feel like I'm not a good person. And that's what is really a problem. In my lighter moods, it seems completely unreasonable and unfair that I should think that way. But those moods are far and few between recently because I haven't really done much to remedy the situation...

I need to get out more so I can stop pondering these things. These thoughts are unnecessary and they are really killing me. It's time I stop caring so much. Let's see how that goes for me. I can see it being a terrible decision, but I can also see a lot less heartache for me.

long time no blog

2005-12-27T08:23:00.000-08:00

two days after xmas, time for an update.

finals were over for me last week on Tuesday- well Tuesday was juries. I have no idea what the judges thought because my teacher kept those sheets for some reason. I wish he had let us take them because I hate suspense. I guess it doesn't really matter anyway because I got an A in vocal lessons. as a matter of fact, I got on A in the rest of my 7 my classes. woot for the first semester of college. I hope that I will be ok next semester because I decided with my advisor that I will be taking on 3 more classes for a grand total of 11- 18 credits only, though. oh well, I have to take them sometime and it may as well be now because there's a lot of catch up work for me to do since I decided to double major in Vocal Performance and Music Education. What a full schedule I will have, as opposed to this semester when I had all this free time to get bored in.

so, for xmas I got lots of what I wanted: opera CD's. woot!
I got new driving gloves- hurrah for ones that actually fit my hands. and they're really really warm too.
I got me a dressy black shirt- unfortunately, it looked better on in the store, now it looks kinda baggy, even when I tuck it in... I'm sad.
I got a really good movie- Must Love Dogs

and some stuff I didn't ask for that will definitely be useful: an anti-stress neck pillow.
I got a really pretty fuzzy jacket- but it's white so I'm scared to wear it and ruin it, but I will wear it because otherwise there's no point in having it at all. It's a little tight on my arms, but once I tone them down, it won't be as bad.
I got a fuzzy white purse that kinda goes with the pretty fuzzy jacket by accident (from two different people that is)
I got some chocolate- Ferrero rocher, mmmmmm! I'm not supposed to have it on this whole diet thing, but one won't kill me, neither will the 3 that I got as long as I don't eat them consecutively.
I got a really perty pearl necklace and earring set
I got a book on how to make your singing voice stronger

oh yeah, and update on that diet thing: I've lost almost 20 lbs since the beginning of the semester (around when I started the diet)- so that's 30 since July! Now that the two-day straight-eating-frenzy that is Christmas is over, I have to go back to eating like that again because I'm sure that it has done me some damage that I don't want to look at on the scale. I'm not really worried though.

update on my depression? I don't see any traces of it now that I have been home for about a week and a half now. All I feel is the stress of not being able to stop thinking about next semester. And a bit of stress from my current situation of having a few different dating interests- all of them having some kind of reason why they won't happen: either its indefinitely on hold as far as the decision-making is concerned, unsure of how interested the other person is in me, or unsure of how interested I am in the other person. That middle one seems the most promising except that this person told me earlier this semester that he wasn't interested anymore, but I have my doubts about the validity of that (either that's me being really stupid, or I am actually being perceptive this time).

Update

2005-11-29T12:30:00.001-08:00

It's been a while since my last post and thus I figured that I should probably do some type of update or something like that. Currently I am worry about my finals and juries. Mostly because I have no idea when either of them will be... but that will be found out in due time i suppose. other tahn that i have nothing to really worry about unless i start pondering the future in which case i usually start freaking out and shit like that. It's not fun, i'll tell you.

so about Thanksgiving break. it was most yummy and quite devious as far as my diet is concerned- btw, I have been on Jenny Craig for about 3 weeks now. It has been hard to get back into the correct eating habits (meaning not adding stuff to the food I eat like extra desserts). it's been working for me - I've lost 9lbs... even 1/2 of a lb from thansgiving break.

I had a revelation about all this depression stuff- it's not because i miss all my friends either. I saw them and hung out with them and such (C even stayed over a night) but still I had a breakdown on Saturday night. C tried to help me out and I think she did a wonderful job actually. She made me realize what is wrong is that I am beginning to burn out. She hleped me to decide that I will not be taking 11 classes next semester and that i should just realize that i am not going to graduate in 4 years no matter what i do unless i really kill myself and that is not worth it. If i just take a few less classes per semester, my grade will be better and I will fel better too, so whateverwith the whole when i gradutate thing. btw, I am now double majoring in vocal performance and music education. that is why i wont get out in 4 years.

Update on expos that i hate so much-I am finally getting an A in expos... I hope that this last paper that ive had to write will also deserves an A. then all i have to worry about is passing the final (which shouldn't be too hard becasue its pass/fail based on the cohesiveness of it and stuff like that).

so it's true

2005-11-06T21:16:00.000-08:00

as much as I'd like to deny that i'm just like all those people I knew in HS who were in therapy and angsty-like with the lack of real problems and all that stuff that I didn't want to deal with, I cant. I dont have real problems either, but I'm missing something in my head that makes ppl able to deal with living. Every time I am in school I feel messed up like there's something missing here- I mean this is what I've wanted all my life- what the hell is wrong with me? Here's something I found myself making up and singing to myself in the shower and it gave me a little insight:

"All I want is to feel a little more
like I've something worth living for
but it's not fair for me to say my life's incomplete
when I've got everything
everything I could want,
I could need
I'm even following my dream
and it'd be a lie to say
I can fix myself
cause it's been too many years
that I've felt this way
I'm tired of hiding my tears.
it's time to put my mask on the shelf
and let someone else in"

and it's all true... I have everything I could want and need and all that jazz, but I am feeling so damn incomplete emotionally.

I've got me some Goals

2005-10-20T10:18:00.000-07:00

So, now that I think I have myself under control, I can actually start to think about important stuff that i've been neglecting; aka my school work. well, not that i've actually not been doing it, but I haven't been doing it like i care about it. So now it's time to start caring again. there's no use in my being here if i'm only going to be mediocre. I'm not going to complain about having to do my work anymore because I am the one who wanted to come to college- nobody's forcing me to be here. plus, ya can't go through life resisting every step of the way- you'll never get anywhere. My own resistance to everything so far has only been an impediment, thus I must get on with it and forget that I hate writing essays and such. I only need pretend that I like it and it will become that much better.

so about my actual living, there's more than just my silly emotions... I do actually do stuff. Like yesterday, I went to the rec center with brittanie and we went swimming. I haven't been swimming in months. god, it was definitely much needed. I'm thinking that this summer I will take some classes and become a lifeguard- brittanie gave me the idea. but i have to be able to swim 500 meters so that is my goal for the semester. I gotta learn the strokes better too, but brittanie was on the swim team in high school so she can prolly teach me.

I've decided that I am going to get back into shape this year. I remember 4 years ago- freshman year of HS- well, maybe I wasn't exactly healthy, but I was fit and strong. Between the end of August and the end of November that year I improved from running the 3.1 mile in 33 minutes to running it in 24:50. Well, it'll take me longer this time because I have a lot of extra baggage to work with compared to 4 years ago, but i am going to be able to do it. I swear it. But this time I am going to be healthy about it... no more anorexia for me. I don't like being light-headed and headache-riddled all the time like I was then. I am going to do it right this time. I don't really care about how much I weigh, as long as I don't ever weigh as much as I did over this summer again. i've lost 15 lbs since July and I plan on keeping it that way, but I don't need to be 110 lbs like I was freshman year of HS, all I want is to be able to do what I did then. Unfortunately, It's starting to get pretty cold for running outside and I really hate treadmills, but that might be that I have to use. i need some gym clothes is all. When i go home this weekend, i'll find some. Anyway, I have to get some work done for expos, so I'm out.

roller coaster

2005-10-17T11:35:00.000-07:00

damn my emotions are like a roller coaster. here i am again, feeling just like i did this time last week, well not as bad, but now i think its time that i actually do call that councelor because this will obviously happen again so i called, but there was a busy signal. after long hours spent thinking about the brain and the mind and their control over each other (my essay for expos is based on that idea), i dont care how it works, but i just want it to work, becasue i feel like my brain is not able to regulate my emotions like its supposed to. all i wanna do is wake up in the morning feeling better about my life than i did the night before because every night when i go to bed i feel like crying for no reason. there must be a reason of some sort even if it is a chemical imbalance. i want control over my feelings instead of my feelings having control over me. I feel like shit and so i dont want to do anything at all: i dont want to wake up in the morning because sleep is safer, i dont want to leave my room even though that is torturous masichism, i dont want to eat and i have no motivation to do anything that i am supposed to be doing. i am lonely; i have all this free time and no one to spend it with. i am tired of listening to a dial tone when i call the help center and i am tired of feeling like crying.

recovery

2005-10-11T21:20:00.000-07:00

so i asked C how she was dealing with homesickness cause i know she doesnt get to go home ever because she's 6 hours away... she said it helped her to just do stuff like take random walks to nowhere- thats how she found llhamas!!! so i decided to take her advice and ask my friend tammy if she would be adventurous with me and take a walk to nowhere. she agreed that we would go. and we did. after we went to college ave to get us some Fat Beaches- which used to be called Fat Bitches until some politically correct people complained. My heathly-eating stomach was like, "whoa, that's a lot of yummy greasy food, ur gonna be soooo sorry." well i'm not really sorry, but my stomach does disagree with me a bit right now. anyway, we didn't find nowhere, but we plan to find it next tuesday and we are going to travel across the river to find it... well maybe we will just look for the panera and the applebees and the walmart... but that's in the middle of nowhere so its close enough... maybe we should bring a map just in case we really end up in nowhere. lol... so yeah, i am in a really good mood right now. i hope this lasts me until i get home. i mean i will still go to the councelor just in case, but i have a good feeling about this. i dont hate my existence here now... random fluke of personality i guess. i hope that doesnt happen too often cause i hate crying, especially 10 times a day, makes for really stuffy sinuses and a bad headache and i just hate to feel so depressed. not that anyone likes it really, but in that case, everyone should know exactly how i feel. well i should shower so i can get to bed soon cause i am really tired for no really good reason plus i have to be up at 8ish tomorrow... gnight all. I love all u guys! thanks so much C!!!

Fear

2005-10-11T13:31:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to think that maybe this is not where i want to be or what i want to be doing. I mean, everything i have ever done in my life was because I wanted to be just like Lauren. i wanted to be as pretty as her and i wanted to have a voice like an angel like hers. That's why I pushed myself so hard in school. that's why i joined the chorus in middle school and continued on with it. I'm not sure that this is my dream i am trying to accomplish. I don't know what I want or who i am without her. and i have this serious pain in my heart and i'm choking on it because I miss home so much that all i want to do is cry. but i can't cry all the time or nothing will ever get done. i don't know what my issue is really, maybe it is this ^. but maybe there's more to it that i have no idea. my doctor referred me to go see the therapist in the student center. To be honest, i never thought that i would actually need to go see one, but i have been crying a million times a day for the last 4 days. maybe its cause i'm homesick and sick otherwise at the same time, maybe it's becasue I don't know what i'm doing here, or who i am... i need some direction. i need to get better so i can stop crying, so i can get my work done, so i can put food in my mouth without the pain of doing so- i mean, i am hungry, but i have no desire to sate that need. i dont know why.

shrink

2005-10-10T11:09:00.000-07:00

i think i am in serious need of a shrink. I can't pinpoint why, but i've begun to hate my existence here- i mean i feel like my whole life's dream has been a lie. I don't want to be here anymore. It depresses me to be here and the weather is not helping. it poured on saturday from dawn until who knows when- the Raritan flooded- and its been overcaste since then. but this isn't the only thing- my brain has been in shambles for weeks now and i can't write my papers for expos worth beans and this one I can't even finish, and i don't think I care if i fail. What's worse is i feel like I'm beginning to hate music. I mean not to hate listening to it, but I don't want to write it anymore, i don't want to train my ears anymore, i dont' want to play piano anymore and worst of all, I dont' think i want to sing anymore. and i certainly do not want to take a bunch of science classes and I dont want to minor in nurtition becasue i dont want to get my masters in it either. I feel miserable when it comes to that so why should i want to be miserable for the rest of my life. everything is making me miserable right now: my health, my love life (or lack thereof), eating, playing piano, drawing, singing, showering, dressing, moving, sitting, watching t.v.; everything excpet sleeping and being with my friends.

i mean, last night i cried myself to sleep. this morning I got up and just sat around for a while trying not to cry because my choice is to cry and get a major sinus headache or not cry and choke on my tears. im not sure which is better. i completely forgot there was such a thing as food for a couple of hours and even still i was not hungry, but i know that if i dont eat i will certainly not get rid of my cold. but there was no one to go to eat breakfast with cause sara already ate and dharika had to go to class... so i had no motivation to go. sara came with me anyway. and i started to feel better until she had to leave for class too and walking out of the dining hall, i began to cry.

most of all of this, i want to just go home and sleep in my own bed, be with my family whom i miss so much and forget there's a place called college where i have all these demands on me. but i can't drop out after only a month and i'm never allowed to drop out because i promised my mother id get a degree and would not spend the rest of my life working in the supermarket. but why am i so miserable here, why am i so depressed? i havent felt this depressed since freshman year of high school. I want to be done with this so badly i could almost break my promise to myself and my mother that i would get a degree. how the hell did this happen?

Lovin' the Zicam

2005-10-06T21:09:00.000-07:00

yeah, i usually don't believe advertisements... but my friend tammy told me that Zicam actually helped the people she knew that took it, so i decided to go to downtown New Brunswick and get me some. i shoulda taken a bus 'cause I walked the whole mile and a half there and then all the way back, but i was too lazy to wait for one... well anyways, i bought the stuff and it tastes like yuk, but i started taking it about 24 hours ago and my throat doesn't hurt me right now, like it's not scratchy, its not soar, but its still swollen... but if i let this continue on its own, it'd still hurt and i wouldn't have a voice... this stuff is like a miracle in a bottle. :)

Bleh

2005-10-06T10:08:00.000-07:00

Damn am I sick... as a frickin' dog... well that never really made any sense to me, but yeah, anyway... I really don't think i have an immune system. This is the fourth time i am sick in the last 5 months. I'm thinkin' that I should spray lysol on everything i own, like every day, and then just maybe i won't get sick later from stuff that i happen to use when i am sick... i'm not sure if that really makes any sense, but it does in my head. yeah, I feel really weak right now, i think I'm going to take me a nap... yeah, that sounds really good right now.

damn my brain

2005-10-04T16:47:00.000-07:00

Today I realized that things aren't coming to me as easily as i thought they were. which really sux, because now i have to put more effort in than before- i'm not used to music not being easy for me... i'm talking fundamentals of musicianship. it's eartraining for those of you who aren't music people (most of you, i think) which means that I have to be able to recognize an interval by hearing it and i have to be able to sing an interval on commmand... which was getting easy until this morning when i completely lost all ability to construct sound in my head. I felt like a deaf person (i mean i could hear, but i couldnt make up sounds in my head)- really scary!

and i remembered yesterday that i have a music theory test on monday on everything we've learned so far- that's like 6 chapters- a good deal of it builds on itself, so things in the beginning I'll remember fine because i have to use them every time i write music, but the later stuff i'm thinkin i'll forget. tomorrow i have a quiz in paino class on a piece of music that i forgot to look at until today, it's a good thing that Tammy's class is ahead of mine and i helped her practice it or i wouldn't have ever looked at it and then who knows what would happen tomorrow.

then there's my voice lessons, ah! off to a rocky start and then when that got smoothed over, now i'm having issues being able to read music- well im having mostly rhythmic problems, but that's annoying... i've had rhythm problems all my life and now i have to overcome that... God help me with this. if i want this to be my career, no, my life, i'm really going to have to learn to count the damn music!! ACK!!! ok, i feel better now. what's more is that i'm getting a soar thoat for no good reason, i just woke up with it this morning, coughing and i could not swallow... it was like 6:20 am. good thing my roommate was up anyway cause she was studying for perspectives class. i coulndt just try to go back to sleep, so i used listerine, which helped to the extent that i could swallow again and drank some water to stop the coughing so i could finally go back to sleep.

yeah, today was eventful... but its still not over- i still have to read that essay to do the homework for expos (but i have till friday, so its ok), i still have to drop music off in the my accompanist's mailbox in the music building, i still have to go to the gym, and i desperately need to eat something.
my head hurts.

This Whole Life Thing

2005-10-02T22:11:00.000-07:00

well, this whole life thing is killing me recently... yes, i mean mellowdrama. It's hard to help someone figure out what they want and then help them to make a decision based on that when all they can tell you is, "I don't know." and then when all is said and done, im not sure that i really helped at all or if i just confused them even more than they were to begin with because of everything that i asked them to think about before deciding. plus, since i kept thinking about my situation that seemed similar i wasnt sure i was staying in the moment and in the other person's issue which just means more confusion... and then i helped myself figure out what i need to do too, but now i dont want to do it... or if i really have to do it that way at all... i have to find out the truth first before deciding that i'm done with it.

yeah i know, im being vague, but i had to rant without including names or specific events, etc... if u really want to know, IM me and maybe i'll tell you, maybe i won't, depends on my mood, really.

ok, now the last time i wrote, i said that i always want to be here, well that's not entirely true- i caught myself feeling like "i want to go home already" as soon as I got to school this evening. dammit. I want to just be comfortable with this whole living on my own thing... it'll come, i'll get there, eventually.

the air

2005-09-29T10:50:00.000-07:00

i absolutely love autumn!! the air is clear, not humid and the trees are perty and even though the sky is cloudy, it's fitting... ah its wonderful. I can't wait for more colors!!!! its funny though, you'd think that autumn would remind me of death because of all the dieing things and in effect, make me sad, but for some reason it doesn't. i feel more subdued, yes, but at the same time, i feel more alive now than usually...

Autumn makes me feel like i'm in a perpetual state of meditation...

I just want to be apart of the outside, but i can't cause i have this paper to write and these songs to learn. The funny thing about that is, that with all this time that I have to be spending on my schoolwork, I always find myself distracted by other things like writing poetry, listening to CD's, and staring at the trees outside my window. I must say, the view from my dorm room is really nice.

As much as I thought that coming to school would sadden me and scare me, I feel so at home here and school doesn't feel like work (except for the essay thing). This is where I want to be almost all the time. I was not expecting that at all.

So I decided

2005-09-28T11:35:00.000-07:00

So i've decided to have on of these sights just for the hell of it... not so sure it'll ever become something i use all the time, but now, just in case I have something to say, here it will be